Sex is Not the Way to Healing

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Sex is many things. It is a gift from God for married couples. It can be a way for married couples to connect and resist worldly temptation.

But sex also can create issues and problems when not engaged in as God designed. People can use it as a weapon.  And it can cause a source of anxiety and fears of rejection.

And Sex is not the Way to Healing

As a therapist I see patterns that can take place within marriages. Common themes that seem to happen with couples over and over again given certain circumstances.

One pattern that causes distress for both husbands and wives is when sex is viewed as a way of healing. Either healing for the individual. Or healing for the couple.

Sex is a Way to Rebuild Connection – but not the Only Way

We’ll start with husbands. Physical touch, especially sexual intercourse often is high on men’s love language list. That means sex often is a way for men to experience and express love from/to their spouse.

First, that’s NOT a bad way. It’s just not the only way.

And that’s an important reminder when the marriage has a bump in the road. Or when the couple is feeling distant. The term “makeup sex” refers to using sex as a way to get over and/or fix a problem in the relationship.

But it’s flawed and incomplete.

As stated above, sex truly is a gift from God in that it is the most physically intimate act two people can engage in. While beautiful, it doesn’t address the issue or distance that has occurred. It is important that the married couple addresses the other aspects of connection – intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally.

I have seen husbands only address the physical and then not understand why their wife wasn’t “okay” after having intercourse.

At the same time, I have also seen wives use sex as a way to appease their husbands in a disagreement.

In either situation, this is not how God designed sex to be.

Sex is Not a Way to Gain Worth

Many women also struggle with body issues. If significant, these problems can cause misconceptions about the relationship between their body and their identity.

For women who have never felt physically desired or beautiful, the fact that their husband wants to have sex with them can become a skewed way that they receive worth.  They then can seek sexual intimacy with their spouse as a way to heal their own wounds and fill their self-worth. But sex then becomes more about them than connection with each other.

This also can be true for women who have been sexually abused in their past. If they have not processed the abuse, a way to feel in control of the past pain can be to choose to have sex on their terms. Or they may believe they are only wanted for sex. That can cause them to either view sex as aversive. Or, again, seek it out to gain worth.

Also, not how God designed sex to be.

Only God can Heal Past Pain and Wounds

If any of the above sections describes you or your marriage, it is important that you and your spouse come to better understand God’s design for sex.

It is a topic that isn’t discussed near often enough in our churches or within marriages. But, as with all marriage issues, vulnerability is important and necessary.

And above all else, God is the only one who can heal you past pain and wounds. He may bring people into your life to help guide you and support you. But only He can bring peace.

Psalm 34:17-22 (NIV)

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
    the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
²² The Lord will rescue his servants;
    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

God bless!

Melissa

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