The definition of vulnerability, according to Merriam-Webster is to open oneself up to potential attack, harm, and danger. To be easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally or emotionally.
That doesn’t sound like a very smart thing to willing do, right?
Except in marriage we are to come together so that two can become one. We are to love and trust our spouse wholeheartedly.
And yes that means you are potentially opening yourself up to have your spouse purposefully or unintentionally hurt you.
The alternative is to guard yourself and close yourself off from your spouse. And that process hinders you and your marriage from flourishing to the potential God designed it to be.
Vulnerability: Intellectually
When we open ourselves up to our spouse intellectually, we are letting them know our thoughts, opinions, and insights about various topics. It is the opportunity to share, discuss, potentially debate, and maybe disagree. (which is not always a bad thing!)
Because it also can lead to growth. For you personally and/or for your spouse. When you share your thoughts you are allowing your spouse into your mind and helping them understand how you think.
As a therapist, I’ve worked with many wives who tell me, “He should know.” My answer is always, “How?” It really doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. If you don’t let your spouse know your thoughts and your thought process, they won’t know. And it’s truly unfair to expect them to.
How to show intellectual vulneraibilty
- Talk to each other! About anything and everything.
- Share your thought process. – “I was thinking…”
- Let your spouse know how your thought process differed than theirs. – “Oh, I didn’t take it that way. I thought…” (Make sure this is said in a kind tone NOT an accusatory or mocking tone. That will not go well!)
- Share your knowledge, experience, and expertise. – My husband loves history and has a greater knowledge than me on the subject as well as anything political. That is valuable information for him to share with me. I am a mental health therapist so my knowledge is in understanding people and why they do and think the things they do. I am able to share my experience and thoughts with him.
Vulnerability: Emotionally
Many spouses find emotional vulnerability to be more difficult to willingly step into. Because many of us have been hurt in the past by loved ones. And even potentially hurt by the spouse I’m recommending you show vulnerability with. And that can be scary.
But just like sharing our thought processes, if we don’t let our spouse know the progression of our emotions, they may not realize the emotions we are experiencing. They can’t be sensitive to our emotions if they don’t know we are having them!
Something that leads to emotional vulnerability for you, my not be an emotional topic at all for your spouse.
How to show emotional vulnerability
- Become familiar with your emotions first. You need to be able to acknowledge what emotion you are experiencing before you are going to be able to share them with your spouse.
- Then let your spouse know how you are feeling about situations around you. – The feelings you had throughout the day. How the latest news story made you feel. How you were emotionally affected by something a friend or family member said.
- As you feel more comfortable expressing your emotions to your spouse, you can start sharing the emotions you experienced about your spouse. – “I felt…when you said/did…because…”
*Note – the example does NOT read “You made me feel…” Because your spouse cannot make you feel anything. Your spouse does not have the ability to cause your emotions. It’s your thoughts and past experiences about the person and the situation that leads to emotions.
Here’s the example I give my clients – “If you and I were both sitting in my office and your husband walked into the room. How would you feel? Now how do you think I would feel? We both experienced the same event, yet our emotions would likely be different. Why? Because my thoughts about and experiences with your husband are different than yours.”
Vulnerability: Physically
Physical vulnerability can be difficult for husbands and wives in different ways.
Women tend to be self-conscious about their bodies, which may hinder them from being willing to share physically and intimately with their husbands. But here’s the thing. Your husband isn’t paying attention to whether you have stretch marks on your thighs when you are making love.
As women we get in our own head too much. We can allow our insecurities to hinder us from enjoying the intimate moments with our husbands.
That leads to another area women can struggle with. Letting your husband know how you would like to be physical with him. And how you would like him to touch you.
This can be embarrassing and uncomfortable for some women. Especially if sexual intimacy was taught as a “wifely duty” as opposed to the gift God created it to be for marriages.
But allowing your husband to know this part of you increases not only physical intimacy but emotional intimacy as well.
For husbands, physical vulnerability can be difficult when it comes to being comforted. Receiving hugs or being cuddled. Letting their wives know they need to be consoled after a difficult day or a trying situation.
How to show physical vulnerability
- Learn to be comfortable with your body and work towards better self-love.
- Cuddle more than you currently do. Whatever that looks like in your marriage. Strive for a bit more physical touch.
- Go back to making out with your spouse. Have fun!
- Explore each other’s body. Ask each other what feels good.
Vulnerability: Spiritually
Spiritual vulnerability can also be uncomfortable for some spouses depending upon how they were raised as well as what their current relationship with God is.
As with each of the above sections, it is about communication. The willingness to engage in the conversation.
It doesn’t mean that your spouse has to agree or be on the same spiritual level as you. The important factor is that you are able to talk about your faith. And encourage each other in ways to be stronger. Where ever their starting point is.
How to show spiritual vulnerability
- Listen to Christian audio books or podcasts and discuss.
- Talk about the church sermon together.
- Complete a bible study together.
- Discuss your faith history and how your family viewed and discussed God.
- Discuss your current relationship with God.
- Ask your spouse to pray with you and for you. And you also pray for your spouse.
I pray that this post encourages you to be vulnerable with your spouse.
God bless!
Melissa
p.s. Check out all of the beautiful sites I linkup with!
Great post and suggestions!
Thank you Tara. God bless!
Becoming vulnerable with my husband used to be so hard. It takes trust, not just in my hubby but trust in Jesus as He walked us through bringing our marriage back together. It has been many years since then and the Lord has truly blessed our marriage. ❤
I’m so glad Jesus helped you and your husband to come back together. Our marriage relationship really is a window into how we interact with Jesus. Thank you for stopping by and sharing. God bless!
I agree Donna! These are such good tips in this article…wish my marriage would have begun with a healthy foundation! But, it didn’t, so know we work to repair the damage we’ve both done to each other! I still find it hard to be vulnerable in every.single.area. with my spouse!
It definitely takes time and healing after there have been wounds. I pray God helps guide you and your spouse! God bless!
What a practical and encouraging post about marriage!
I am happy to share this one all over the place today!
Blessed by you and by your ministry~
Melanie
Thank you Melanie. I appreciate your kind words and your support. God bless!
Such great advice. I like how you said to say, “Oh, I didn’t take it that way, I thought…” That is so important and to say it in a gentle and kind way. That is something I needed to be reminded of. As always, you have beautiful insight and wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Thank you Amy! I’m glad you found the post beneficial. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Being vulnerable is important in many relationships! Thank you for pointing out the different areas and how to practice it! Great post!
It is important. I thought it was important to breakdown as we can be good at being vulnerable in some areas and then struggle in others. Thanks for stopping by Julie! God bless!
Wonderful points to consider and implement. Thank you Melissa. You are a jewel.
Thank you Tammy! You bless me with your kindness 🙂 God bless!
Really good information. I don’t think a lot of marriages have real intimacy. It takes work to be vulnerable.
It does take work to be vulnerable and without that it is hard to be truly able to be intimate. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is great advice! I’ve only been married for a year and a half and already we are starting to learn the importance of being vulnerable in ALL areas. Some are easier than others for sure, but thank you for outlining how to create vulnerability and its value. I will definitely be implementing it in my life!
Thank you Emily! I’m glad that you found the article beneficial. Some areas will certainly be easier for each of you over others. Congratulations on your marriage and God bless!
I think it can be hard because the more vulnerable you are, the more open you are to being hurt, but it can also be rewarding because as you are more vulnerable, you also make space for deeper intimacy. Thanks for all these tips! Even for somehow for whom vulnerability is a value, I found lots to take away here!
You’re right Leigh, greater vulnerability can lead to deeper intimacy. I’m glad you found the post beneficial. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your insights. God bless!
I love how you don’t just focus on verbal vulnerability! An overall vulnerability makes marriages so very strong. It eliminates false expectations, questioning, and resentment! <3
Yes! I think often vulnerability gets too narrow of a view and communication is the only aspect that gets addressed. There is so much more to strengthening the marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Wonderful suggestions! I appreciate how you define vulnerability and it’s importance in marriage first : )
Thank you Bethany! God bless!
Sure, transparency is key in a marriage relationship. As you said, sometimes we assume that our spouses suppose to know how we feel but it is not always the case.
Your are doing a good job, may God bless your work.
Yes, assumptions can be so detrimental in relationships. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. God bless!
Such good advice in every area Melissa. Thank you!
Your neighbor on Recharge Wednesday.
Thank you Christy! God bless!
Lowering my walls has always been difficult to do, but my husband has been so amazing at patiently and graciously letting me bring them down. Making sure that we are open to each other is so important and a must in marriage.
It can be such a difficult process. Especially if there has been a history of pain or rejection. I’m glad you have been able to bring this into your marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
Beautiful truths here!
Thank you Susan! God bless!