According to Merriam-Webster, rejection is the act of not accepting, believing, or considering something : the state of being rejected.
And when that something is you, it hurts.
Many of us have experienced rejection at some time or another. The result can lead to avoidance, closing off, guarding oneself and avoiding vulnerability. Yet being willing to be vulnerable in marriage is so important.
An area that can be the most difficult for wives to be vulnerable is regarding sex. The willingness to put yourself out there to your husband and initiate sex can trigger past experiences of rejection.
However, in counseling married couples, a common desire of husbands is that their wives initiate sex more. Guys tend to be more physical in nature. A turn on is having their wives be interested and even excited to engage in sexual intimacy, too.
So how do wives initiate sex with their husband when they are afraid of rejection?
Understand the Past Rejection
To move past the rejection you have to first understand it. You need to identify where the feelings originated.
Rejection from Others
If the rejection came from others it’s important to separate your spouse from them.
Process and work through the past events.
- Identify who rejected you.
- How did you experience rejection.
- Work to understand that the rejection was about that person NOT you. (This is the hardest part. You may need to seek support to help you acknowledge the actions of the other person wasn’t about you.)
- Develop ways to fight against the negative thoughts that can creep in.
- Identify your positive attributes.
- Focus on positive thoughts.
- Stay rooted in God’s word and His view of You.
- Try to shift thinking to a more positive outlook overall.
- Work to forgive the person who you experienced rejection from.
Rejection from Your Husband
This is obviously a more difficult situation as it directly relates to your husband.
Individual Processing
- Identify the ways you feel your husband has rejected you.
- Write down situations for examples.
- Acknowledge whether these situations are true rejections (your spouse did them with purpose) or if they are perceived rejections (your spouse’s actions elicited a feeling of rejection without that being their intent). *Perceived rejection doesn’t mean the emotion isn’t real. But it does mean that what caused the emotion may not be justified.
Conversation With Your Husband
- Bring your examples to your husband. *This is not to be a laundry list of all of your husband’s slights. The focus isn’t to be blaming but rather to bring healing and greater connection.
- Say something along the lines, “I have felt…when…”
- Share with your husband your experiences of rejection that you may have had with others. This can help your husband to know that similar situations, even without intent, may cause you to struggle.
How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband
Once you have a better understanding of your past experiences of rejection you can work to move beyond it.
Inner Preparation
Perspective
You may need to shift your perspective on the purpose of sex and its importance in your marriage. Sexual intimacy with your spouse is also a gift from God. It has become terribly skewed in society and that has also trickled down to the understanding of sex in Christian marriages as well. Sex is not only meant for men. It is to be the most intimate way of physically and emotionally connecting. With a better understanding of the importance of sex it may help you have greater confidence and motivation to initiate sex.
Work on Self-Esteem and Body Love
How you view yourself is going to play a role in how comfortable you are to be the initiator. As mentioned above, focus on your positive attributes and your worth in God. Recognize how loved you are by Him. If body love seems too far out of the realm of possibility, first work towards at least respecting your body.
Refute Negative Thoughts
When doubts and worries start to creep in have opposite thoughts ready to replace them. Utilize scripture. Refute the negative thoughts by using the phrase, “Where’s the evidence?” Often times our thoughts are based upon emotion and not fact.
Practical Tips on How To Initiate Sex
Do you notice how far into the article it’s taken me to actually discuss tips to initiate sex? This is why sex is such a complex topic for females. We often get stuck in our own heads and past negative experiences. The process of engaging in sexual intimacy with your spouse is so much more than just physically engaging in the act.
[ctt template=”7″ link=”undefined” via=”yes” ]Sex is such a complex topic for females. We often get stuck in our own heads and past negative experiences. The process of engaging in sexual intimacy with your spouse is so much more than just physically engaging in the act.[/ctt]
Flirt
Admittedly, I’m not very good at flirting! I once thought I was doing a great job at flirting and letting my husband know that I would like to be intimate with him. Epic fail. Why?
I was too subtle. I was shy and self-conscious, so what I thought was glaringly obvious was not at all conveyed to my husband. His “lack of interest” caused me to feel rejected. Later I talked with him about the situation. He really had no idea. While he noticed I was being maybe more playful or cuddly, he hadn’t equated it with sex.
I realized I needed to be a bit more straightforward about my intentions.
Talk about Sex at the Beginning of the Day
Start the conversation early in the day about wanting or hoping you can be intimate later. Even if the time you would be able to intimate with your husband is at the end of the day. This helps you to get emotionally invested in being intimate with your husband. It also builds anticipation. This creates more joint excitement and connection.
Send Messages or Gifts
Then throughout the day let your husband know you are still looking forward to being intimate. Send a text. Leave a note. Lay out a piece of lingerie on the bed for your husband to find. Whatever you are comfortable with and also gets you excited for coming together with your spouse in the most intimate way God created.
I pray this post helps you to process through past experiences of rejection that may be hindering you from initiating sex with your husband.
God bless!
Melissa
Great article. Thank you!
I’m glad you found it beneficial. God bless!
God created women to need petting before juices start flowing and they are ready for sex. There is a reason that God created the man to lead in the marriage (Ephesians 5 mentions sex as one of the ways the man is the head of the woman). If the man wants the woman to pretend like she’s ready for sex when she hasn’t been loved on yet, he is expecting her to be a man. Yes, a woman can be eager for sex, but the man needs to KNOW that juices don’t flow until she’s petted. And for some reason men have not been instructed on these basics.
There are many aspects of sexual intimacy that are not openly discussed in the Christian community. How a women becomes aroused may be one of them. If there has been a loving, intimate, and healthy sex life between husband and wife, a wife can be able to be excited and ready to engage in intimacy. This is a topic that needs more openness in the Christian community so that it can be as beautiful as God intended. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
To get to the root causes so as to tackle the present struggles is so important.
Yes! If we don’t appropriately seek out the “why” of situations we rarely are able to find healing or solutions. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Thank you for openly speaking to this topic, Melissa. It is such an important part of our marriages and has a place from the spiritual perspective as well. Unfortunately, for many older married couples, so much damage has been done that it will take time and work to get to a place where the things you say are possible. However, with God, all things are possible! Thanks for sharing. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
This can be such a difficult road if there has been past pain and rejection within the marriage. I pray there can be healing and restoration. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God bless!
So true that we can’t be subtle when we’re trying to initiate. It’s taken me awhile to figure out that often my husband isn’t rejecting my advances, he just has no idea that’s what I’m doing most of the time. I’m still working on it, but I’m trying to be better at getting to the point and not just hinting around at what I want (and not just went it comes to sex). Always a work in progress! Thanks for this article. It’s an important topic.
Yes, guys can be a bit dense to advances and women can definitely be too subtle. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
I can relate to you Ashleigh and Melissa! Often I think my coy initiation is the perfect set up for a night of intimacy… I have learned that I have to be WAY more direct. More proof that life isn’t like the movies huh?
Yes, life is definitely not like the movies! Marriage truly is a mirror to how we are supposed to engage in our relationship with Jesus. Be open and vulnerable, loving, and honest in our intentions of the relationship. Thank you for stopping by, Stephanie! God bless!
Great post, Melissa! I’ve tried the early morning start talking about it for later in the day, but then if I’m too tired (yes, I admit it), my hubby says I’m a tease.
I think I need to be so much better in so many areas surrounding sex;)
🙂 If you continue the conversation throughout the day hopefully you won’t want to let yourself get too tired!
This such an important topic especially with the rise in pornography addiction. Getting past that addiction is a challenge in itself but to then move on to a healthy relationship with your spouse, as God intended, is quite another. A game plan such as this is a great tool!
Thank you, Erin! Yes, pornography has led to heartache and significant feeling of rejection for far too many wives. The process to healing is a long one. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Great article! It’s so important to make that shift that intimacy with our husband is a gift – a precious one that must be treasured and not cheapened like our culture wants to do.
Thank you Kristi! Yes, the understanding of sexual intimacy has been hijacked and skewed far away from God’s gift to us. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Thank you for writing about this! This subject isn’t talked about much and women who are facing this often feel like they have no one to talk to. I’ve spoken with many women who have shared their hearts and struggles with this, I am going to pass this along to them!
Thank you Heather! Sexual intimacy is an area that really doesn’t get a lot of attention in the Christian community. It can leave to many couples with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and lost opportunities to greater experience one of God’s gifts. Thank you for stopping by and sharing! God bless!
This is helpful!
Thank you, Elizabeth. God bless!
Thanks for sharing! It’s useful in many ways.
I’m glad you found it beneficial, Elizabeth! God bless!