Don’t Use Sex As A Weapon
When I first started out as a mental health therapist working in a Christian counseling center I had no idea how often I would be talking about sex!
At least once a day the topic comes up with a client. Sometimes it is through the lens of past trauma. Or discussing sex education with a confused adolescent (with parent consent). Other times it is working through pornography addiction.
But honestly I hadn’t anticipated how frequently I would be discussing misuses of sex within marriages. And unfortunately, the regularity is increasing.
Because in society the understanding of sexual intimacy is getting further and further away from how God designed it to be. And too many Christian marriages are allowing the cultural view of sex to creep into their bedroom.
Genesis 2:18, 24 (NIV) The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”…For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
It should also be noted that the same Hebrew word for helper “ezer” in Genesis 2:18, is used sixteen times in reference to God as a helper. I don’t think anyone is going to diminish God as our helper therefore it should hold the same level of importance within a marriage!
Sex and sexual intimacy within a marriage is a gift from God!
Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage. God gave us this gift as a way to physically and emotionally become unified with our spouse. It is the most intimate and vulnerable act that can be completed with another human-being. We show our spouse our love and trust through sexual intimacy.
[ctt template=”9″ link=”3aUyr” via=”yes” ]Unfortunately, as with all things of value, it can be used to connect or to divide.[/ctt]
Within the marriage, too often, intercourse gets used as a weapon, bargaining chip, or leverage. Both husbands and wives use these tactics. I’ll address the ways that I have seen to be most common.
Husbands
Husbands may inappropriately use sex as a way to show authority or dominance over his wife.
Sexual intimacy is not to be forced verbally and absolutely not physically. It doesn’t matter that you are married. This behavior is abuse. Abuse is not acceptable and it is not biblical.
Aggression and/or violence does not breed respect. It only creates fear and fear has no place within a Christian marriage.
Colossians 3:19 (NIV) Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Husbands may also use sex as an ultimatum. This may be verbally spoken or reinforced through actions.
“If you won’t have sex with me I won’t…” or “If you won’t have sex with me I’ll…”
Both are threats!
Too often people use scripture for their own benefit and make verses fit their desires. This is perversion of God’s word!
I will work with men who will quote Ephesians 5:23 (NIV) The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
That could be a pretty heady verse if their isn’t the understanding of what Christ did for His church!
So lets go on to Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
1 Peter 3:7 will also get thrown around to prove a point but it is often misguided. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you for the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. The only part that these husbands want to focus on is the ‘weaker partner’. They completely miss the ‘treat them with respect’ and ‘as heirs with you’!
Wives
Wives aren’t without fault on this topic either. Women just tend to be more passive/aggressive in their ways of misusing intercourse. But passive/aggressive is still a form of aggression! And it tends to be in attempts to control their husband.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV) Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
Passive/aggressive behavior is not going to win over your husband to be more loving and caring towards you!
Sexual intimacy is not to be purposefully withheld. I have worked with many women who have stated, “He doesn’t deserve sex.” Or “If I give in he’ll think he can get it whenever he wants.”
Sex should not be a way for you to reward or punish your husband!
[ctt template=”9″ link=”U0i64″ via=”yes” ]Sex should not be a way for you to reward or punish your husband![/ctt]
Wives may also use sexual intimacy as an ultimatum. Again this may be verbally spoken or reinforced through actions.
“If I have sex with you then you have to…”
Ephesians 5:22, 24 (NIV) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord…Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
*Let me be clear – if your spouse is being abusive your call to be submissive does not hold water!! Again, a husband is supposed to treat his wife as Christ treated the church! If you are in an abusive marriage please seek support and guidance on how to proceed.
A need for partnership
Let’s look again at the passage from Ephesians but as a whole as it’s meant to be.
Ephesians 5:22-25 (NIV) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
The relationship between husband and wife is meant to be a partnership and a union!
Sex was a gift to bring married couples closer together. It was not meant to be a weapon held against each other!
Galatians 5:15 (NIV) If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
I pray that that is post is a warning for you and your husband and not a situation you are currently in. But it you are, I pray that you are able to look at your actions with a clear lens and seek support.
God bless!
Melissa
This act is supposed to bring unity between the husband and wife. I believe that the world has influenced this generation to seek to inflict pain on the wife rather than love her. This causes the wife to get on anti-depressants and be miserable. It’s supposed to be a beautiful vulnerability where each is LOVED. I don’t see this in any marriages.
This vulnerability is definitely still in some marriages! Unfortunately sex as God designed doesn’t get discussed, taught, or mentored to in the ways that is should. Far too often, sex does become a divisive weapon within the marriage from both spouses. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
Truth! We cannot use a beautiful gift as a weapon. How sad it makes Christ when we do this. Humblinnourselves is difficult even to the ones we love but especially when we are upset. Letting Christ’s forgiveness work through us will keep us from doing this.
Your right Kristi. It’s also important for sex to be discussed in Christian communities and not be viewed as an hand’s off, taboo topic! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
You are so right, It is a beautiful thing to be shared between a married couple, not used as a reward or a gift
It certainly is supposed to be. Somehow it has gotten terribly distorted for too many couples. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Good thoughts here, Melissa. I think this is something that comes with maturity. When we understand what a beautiful gift sex is, we are less likely to use it as a weapon.
I agree. Maturity helps in all aspects or our marriage. Unfortunately real damage can be done prior to maturity if the topic of biblical sex isn’t talked about more openly. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
Our culture has taken sex out of the marriage covenant and then when there are problems, people wonder why. If we used it as God designed, it would be valued and a gift.
This is so true Julie! It needs to be a topic talked about more often with parents to teens and from the pulpit. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Intimacy can be so beautiful or so ugly depending on the heart. When two people come together to share intimacy because of love for each other and God it is a beautiful thing. The world has made it such an ugly thing because of the perversion of hearts. You have to fight for intimacy because the world is knocking on the bedroom door always trying to lead you astray or make you believe you are missing out on something. It is a lie from the pit!
Amen! I agree with absolutely everything you say Sheila! Thank you for reading and adding your insights! God bless!
Important word! I must say, even though my husband and I have almost never treated each other in these specific ways, this message still hits home. It makes me reflect on intimacy and how I regard it! Is is important to me? Is it taking a back burner for convenience sake? Thank you for sparking thought on the matter! Healthy sex is so very important in a Godly marriage!
I’m so glad the post was beneficial for you today! Intimacy can definitely take a back burner if we let it. It likely should be given a greater level of importance in most marriages! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Such a lovely post!
Sex is so important in a marriage. It’s one thing that’s not talked about outside of the home. And I think that needs to change. We need to encourage others to love our spouses and be intimate with each other.
Thank you Heidi! You’re right, sex, at least not biblical sex, is not talked about outside of the home. There needs to be more information for newlyweds so that they don’t fall into these patterns. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Melissa, once again, you have written with wisdom and clarity. I like that you approached the topic for both men and women. We each need to be doing our part to make the marriage work, especially for intimacy. Thanks for sharing your insights. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Thank you, Amy, for your kind words! As it is a couple’s topic I thought it best to make sure each were addressed. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
This was very refreshing to read! I was a virgin when I married my husband 2 years ago. To be honest, this has definitely been an area where I desire to grow in as I often feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met. And then it’s like a pengilium that’s going back and forth about a man and a woman’s needs. Ah! I’m sure you’ve heard this conversation before Melissa. Haha. Looking forward to reading more of what you have to share! 🙂
Thank you for sharing Dominique. I hope you take the time to read my post, Sexual intimacy is a Gift, that was linked in this post. It gives greater information about the importance of sexual intimacy within the marriage. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
wow! This is such a good guidance on how to never misuse the gift of God in marriage. The beauty and purity of it fades when we don’t give it the utmost respect.
So true Ann! And unfortunately the beauty and purity of sex is not a mainstream idea! So unless we are willing to talk about it more freely, we are setting young couples up for failure. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
So very true. And it is private and therefore hidden so we don’t talk about it much. That makes it even easier for things to spiral out of control. You get a sense it is normal from watching television and listening to other people talk.
You’re right, misusing sex has become all too ‘normal’ in our culture. But as Christians we are called to live a different life and not succumb to cultural ways. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
More truth with love, from Melissa!! I am sharing on Grandma Mary Martha. Watch the socks fly. (I’m about to knock some socks off.)
Ha! To be a fly on the wall! But it is a topic too important not to discuss no matter how uncomfortable for some people. Thank you for your continual support and encouragement for the site and me!! God bless!
Very well written post! I love how you pointed out it’s not a weapon or a reason to get back at your partner for something they’ve done.
I attended a ‘Marriage on the Rock’ christian-based class this year and I also watched ‘The Five Love Languages’ video series. Both also discuss why sex is a gift for married couples. My husband’s Love Language is physical touch. I don’t want sex as often as him but I very rarely decline because he respects all my love languages.
Thank you for sharing Terra. Love, all aspects of it, is an active choice to give to our spouse. While guys do tend to have a greater desire for sex, I also gently challenge you to search reasons why you may not to be intimate with him as often. I say that only to ensure that their isn’t anything (insecurities, past hurts, etc.) that hinder you from enjoying to the fullest extent this beautiful intimacy that God created. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Thank you! This needs to be addressed. We make things so complicated when we focus on “my needs” when that was never the plan!
So true! There is nothing in marriage that was meant to have the focus “my needs”. The scripture verses from Ephesians that I shared highlights that. The husband is to focus on his wife and the wife is to focus on the husband. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
This is an important topic handled graciously and Biblically here!
Thank you for your kind words Elizabeth. It is a beautiful gift that God has given us and unfortunately it has been twisted and tainted. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
Melissa, enjoyed your reminder that intimacy is a gift of compassion and grace that we give our spouse rather than give to ourselves; especially when they don’t deserve it. Would enjoy your insight in future articles on the passage that commands couples to be intimate as an act of faith in order to ‘armor’ themselves [our 7th armor of God] from the temptations of the great tempter; Satan. “Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.”
I’m glad you found the article beneficial. That is a great future article idea to unload that scripture passage and make it relevant to couples. Thank you for your thoughts and desire to get my insight. God bless!