Who Are You Allowing in Your Bedroom?

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In graduate school, I remember having a marriage and family therapy class that discussed this topic.

Our professor handed each of us a worksheet with a four-post bed and images of people lurking all around it. Behind posts, under the bed, and in between the couple.

I took that class a little over a decade ago and yet the importance of the topic has stuck with me. And one that I address with my marriage clients as well.

Because unfortunately, our world is loud and demanding. There are pressures and distractions everywhere. And before you know it, your marriage can become quite crowded. Yet we know, second only to God, our marriage is supposed to be the most important relationship.

[ctt template=”7″ link=”dHT9v” via=”yes” ]Our world is loud and demanding. There are pressures and distractions everywhere. And before you know it, your marriage can become quite crowded.[/ctt]

So let’s explore – Who are you allowing in your bedroom?

Children

I have seen this both figuratively and literally.

Figuratively

This is a dicey topic in our current society and I recognize I may end up stepping on some toes. But your spouse is to come before your children. When the children are the focus of your life and the family, you are allowing them enormous power and control.

They are not meant to have that role and ultimately it does a disservice to them as well as your spouse.

[ctt template=”7″ link=”R1gU9″ via=”yes” ]When the children are the focus of your life and the family, you are allowing them enormous power and control. They are not meant to have that role and ultimately it does a disservice to them as well as your spouse.[/ctt]

Because it also takes away the unity of your marriage when the children are the priority. In this case, the tendency then is to stick up for the child as opposed to coming to an agreement with your spouse.

Literally

(This is where I may step on toes.) It is not good for the marriage for your children to sleep in your bedroom. Your bedroom is to be a sanctuary for you and your spouse. The addition of the child in the room hinders time for adult conversation as well as physical intimacy.

As a therapist, I also have a strong understanding of attachment. So I’m not suggesting that you neglect your children. You can absolutely snuggle, rock, hold and comfort your children – in their room. Sing to them. Read them books and pray with them. When they call for you-you go to their room. When they are sick – you go to their room.

This process actually reinforces for them that you will seek them out and comfort them when they need it. And at the same time, appropriately teaches them that they are autonomous little beings, capable of advocating for themselves.

This also teaches the lesson to your children that your marriage is the priority in the family. This provides security and safety to your children. In our world of divorce/separations and remarriages, this is an important lesson for your children to understand. You and your spouse are solid.

How to kick them out of the bedroom:

Figuratively –

• Don’t allow your child to triangulate or pin one against the other.  “Mom said…” is not okay. Or “But Dad said…” doesn’t fly either.
• Ensure you have scheduled time with your spouse that your child doesn’t get to participate or interrupt.
• Your child should not be your confidante. Again that places them in a position of power over your spouse.

Literally –

• A slow, gradual progression to their own bedroom rarely works well.
• Be ready for a few or more nights of having to take your child back to their room. Potentially multiple times a night. (Even if you wake up with them in your room a few hours before morning. Get up and take them back to their room.) Consistency will be your best friend in this transition.
• Question why they haven’t been sleeping in their own room. Has it always just been that way or is there a more recent issue that is causing fear and/or worries.

Parents

This tends to happen more with moms of both spouses rather than dads.

The mom of the bride may have reservations about her son-in-law and therefore talk negatively about him.

Or the mom of the groom may struggle to believe anyone will be good enough for her precious baby boy. This also can happen with daddy’s little girl.

In any of the above situations, the parents can attempt to take too much of an active role in the marriage and ultimately drive a wedge between the couple. Tensions can rise and husband and wife can feel the need to defend parents.

Let us note Genesis 2:24 NIV – That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

This statement is echoed and quoted again in the gospels of Matthew and Mark as well as in Ephesians and Galatians.

Once married, the couple is to be united first and foremost. That doesn’t mean that you can’t still have a relationship with your parents or even ask for advice at times. However, the parents should not be the one offering up unsolicited advice.

[ctt template=”7″ link=”tycR_” via=”yes” ]Once married, the couple is to be united first and foremost. That doesn’t mean that you can’t still have a relationship with your parents or even ask for advice at times. However, the parents should not be the one offering up unsolicited advice.[/ctt]

How to kick them out of the bedroom:

• Shut down any negative comment that your parents may have towards your spouse. Your role is to defend your spouse.
• Talk through situations and events with your spouse first so that you both are in agreement.
• This statement should never happen, “My mother and I decided we should…” (we meaning husband and wife)
• Set boundaries with your parents that advice is appreciated when you ask for it.

Friends

At times, friends can be detrimental to your marriage. They may present as judgmental towards your spouse or be in the habit of talking negatively about their spouse or marriage in general. In either situation, you can feel put on the spot to have to decide who to be loyal to. It may be easy to choose your friend if they are the one standing in front of you but that stance can lead to issues.

Your friends may also take a lot of your time and cause you to cut quality time with your spouse short.

Again, your priority is to be your spouse over all others.

How to kick them out of the bedroom:

• It is important to set boundaries about how much time you are spending with your friends as well as what you are willing to discuss and share with them.
• Talk to your friend about their negativity towards your spouse and/or their spouse. Check to see if they are needing support in their marriage.
• If they persist in speaking negatively about your spouse and are unwilling to change then it may be time to remove yourself from the relationship. 

Work/Hobbies

A common distraction to the marriage is work and hobbies.

No one wants to be married to a workaholic or the ______-enthusiast that forgets they exist. These things often happen if stress is an issue – financial and/or relational. Working or engaging in hobbies may be a way to distract and cope with other problems.

But this can breed resentment, as well as feelings of rejection and abandonment by the spouse at home.

How to kick them out of the bedroom:

• Calmly discuss the topic of stress.
  • example: Finances – what are other ways to save money or add income that doesn’t mean your spouse working so much.
• Calmly let your spouse know how you are feeling when they are away. Vulnerability is important. (Nagging, badgering, and using guilt will not benefit the situation.)
• Discuss ways to engage in a different hobby together. (That doesn’t mean your spouse has to or should give up the current hobby altogether. It’s about balance.)

Society

Society’s view of marriage is wildly different than God’s biblical design for marriage.

Today marriage is all about how can I get love from my spouse and have him/her fill my voids. It is about 50/50 marriage and keeping score. And 50/50 marriages don’t work.

We often see those messages all over social media and televisions shows/movies. Wives complaining about their husbands. Husbands being blockheads or jerks. Infidelity. Pornography.

These things only cause pain and arguments as they cloud God’s design for marriage.

How to kick them out of the bedroom:

• Don’t air your marriage laundry on social media. Ever!
• Turn off the cell phones and turn the bedroom into an electronic-free zone.
• Only watch shows and movies that depict marriage in ways that are honoring to God. Or make sure you discuss with your spouse the negative themes in the show you saw.
• Pornography should never be allowed – even if entered into as a couple. Pornography is in direct opposition to God’s gift of sexual intimacy within a marriage.

God

God is the only one you and your spouse should be actively inviting into your marriage and bedroom on a regular basis. Only He knows each of your heart and how you need to grow individually and as a couple.

[ctt template=”7″ link=”de2mq” via=”yes” ]God is the only one you and your spouse should be actively inviting into your marriage and bedroom on a regular basis.[/ctt]

He is our perfect example in all things and therefore who we should be trying to emulate.

How to invite God into your bedroom:

• Focus on having a God-centered marriage. Make God your first priority. (Even if your spouse isn’t a believer, that doesn’t stop you from having God first.)
• Ensure your personal walk with Jesus is strong. Take time to read the bible, pray, and reflect on the ways and areas of your life that may need His hand to mold.
• Encourage your spouse’s relationship with God. Depending on your spouse’s walk – this can be through prayer alone or more active if they are willing.

I pray this post meets you and your spouse where you are in your marriage and helps you to kick out the people who don’t belong in your bedroom!

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God bless!

Melissa

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