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The definition of friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. We know that definition and we’ve experienced it first hand multiple times.

And when we have a friend who knows us and gets us, it’s a wonderful thing.

But friendships can be hard to navigate at times, too. It’s a balance. A dance. One that takes tending and cultivating. And as time passes, the friendships can also grow and change due to the personal growth and changes of each individual.

The most difficult task of being a friend is knowing if or when the friendship no longer is a positive part of your life. And then how to navigate that process without unnecessarily causing harm.

Ideal Friendships

If we could create a perfect friend there are likely three core aspects of that person we would want to ensure were present. All other things about the person are extras that speak to the uniqueness and wonderful differences in how God created us. But these three areas truly help a friendship flourish.

Values

Mutual values is often what makes or breaks a friendship. These are the areas that fundamentally shape how we view the world.

Encourage You to Be a Better Person

The friend is a cheerleader for you to strive towards growth. They want to see you better yourself and encourage you to do so in love and kindness.

You Like Who You are With Them

You feel like your friend brings out the best in you. There aren’t situations you look back at your time together and think “I can’t believe I did that. I would never usually act/do that.” (From a negative stance.)

Evaluating Friendships

But now for reality. We don’t get to create people to be our friends. And no one is perfect. Your friends may not always have the above three qualities. And then it needs to be a careful and prayerful decision as to whether you continue the friendship.

So thinking through your friends answer each question –

• Do you have shared values?
• Do they encourage you to be a better person?
• Are they jealous of your accomplishments?
• When you go to them with a struggle do they minimize your issue?
• Do they join in the pity party?
• Are they “fair-weather friend”? Or do they stick by you when you are going through struggles?
• Do you like who you are with them?
• Would you be ashamed of your behavior if your husband saw a tape of your time with your friend?
• When you leave your friend do you feel supported and loved or judged and disappointed?

Do you have a friend that didn’t score so well? (or a couple?) Now what?

Redefining the Relationship – Acceptance

A friend in your life that scored poorly doesn’t necessarily mean you need to drop them like a bad habit. It’s important to view your answers in context of the relationship as a whole.

Are these the answers your friend would score for as long as you have known them?

Or are these more recent changes in your relationship? If so, try to figure out what has caused the change.

Should I stay…

First, it’s important to acknowledge if your friend is just currently going through a hard time. They may need you to pull extra weight in the friendship while they are trying to work through their “stuff”.  This situation means they may not be able to support you or encourage you the same as they used to.  But please don’t leave this friendship. They need you. And this is the role Christian friends are called to hold firm in.

For the friends that would have always scored low, this is more of a difficult situation. You need to be able to come to a level of acceptance that your friend may not bring to the table what you desire. That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a relationship but the terms may need to be different.

• You may need to set up boundaries on when and where you spend time together. If they party a bit too much and you go right along with – then maybe your time together needs to be in a different venue.
• There may need to be rules about what topics are to be off limits if your friend has a propensity for slander, gossip, or criticism.
• The relationship may need to shift to more of a mentor-like role where you take the position of guidance, education, and accountability. (Please have this conversation in love not from a stance of judgment! That will only ruin the relationship forever.)

Or Should I Go.

Now for the really hard part.

If you find your friend (or you) aren’t willing/able to abide by the necessary boundaries, you need to end the relationship.

Continuing a friendship that hinders your values and relationship with your husband, family, and/or God is not worth the relationship.

[ctt template=”7″ link=”d7K15″ via=”yes” ]Continuing a friendship that hinders your values and relationship with your husband, family, and/or God is not worth the relationship. [/ctt]

The friendship may be too toxic for you to be able to manage no matter the boundaries you try to set up.

In this situation it is important to gently let the person know you no longer believe it is positive for the two of you to spend time together. Respect them enough to explain why. They may realize they value your relationship enough to try to change. Or they may not and they may response back with ugliness. Don’t do the same. You will regret it later.

Acknowledging your Abilities as a Friend

Go back and answer the “Evaluating Friendships” questions once more but about you.

How do you fair as a friend?

If you didn’t come out very well this may be an area that you may need to pray over. Here are some additional questions to ask yourself focus on-

• Are you trying to have your friend fill an emotional hole?
• Have you ever thought, “If I had a friend I would be happier?”
• Or “I just need someone to cheer me up?”
• Do you feel lonely even when you are with others?

Dear one, the answer to those questions can only be found in having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Only He is able to fill all of your wounds. Only He is able to bring you peace, joy, comfort, and happiness in a way that your soul craves.

[ctt template=”7″ link=”QfmK2″ via=”yes” ]Only Jesus Christ is able to fill all of your wounds. Only He is able to bring you peace, joy, comfort, and happiness in a way that your soul craves. No other friend can do that. [/ctt]

Coming to know Jesus more truly as my primary forever Friend is freeing my heart to offer and receive the amazing gift of friendship…We need each other. But in order to continue to move toward one another and receive freely what others are meant to share with us, we need Jesus.

~ Staci Eldredge Becoming Myself – embracing God’s dream of you

When we have a friendship with Jesus, we are also more able to be a friend for others without receiving much in return. We are able to love and encourage our friends who are hurting, who are struggling with marital issues, or mental health or whatever they are facing. Our relationship with Jesus, helps us to shine a light for others in their times of darkness.

I pray this post has helped you to walk through the difficult terrain and decisions of your friendships.

God bless!

Melissa

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