Talking to Your Child about Inappropriate Touching

As a therapist, parents ask me how to talk to their kids about all the tough stuff topics. My goal for this series is to address each of these topics and help you and your child navigate the more difficult areas of life. This post will address talking to your children about inappropriate touching.

Here’s a list of other tough stuff topics that I have addressed or will be in the future:

• How to talk to your kids about sex
• Addressing the issue of Pornography
• Teaching your children the purpose of Dating
• Self-harming Part 1 – What it is and how to explain self-harm to your child
• Self-harming Part 2 – As a parent what to do if your child engages in self-harm
• Suicide Part 1 – How to explain suicide to your child
• Suicide Part 2 – As a parent how to react if your child is suicidal
• Talking to your teens about drinking
• Talking to your teens about drugs
• How to teach your teens to follow their values – Part One
• How to teach your teens to follow their values -Part Two …And not be judgmental

Talking to Your Kids about Inappropriate Touching

This is not a very comfortable topic to have to think about. We don’t want to think about anyone potentially trying to harm or take advantage of our children. But this is important to address.

First, to make sure you don’t forget a situation this can take place. And second, so you can help your children understand the safety aspects.

Good touch, bad touch – Adults

When I was a child, inappropriate touching was connected with “stranger danger” “don’t take candy from strangers” and watch out for creepy looking vans.

But here’s the scary statistic: 90% of child sexual abuse victims know their abuser. And 20% of children who are sexually abused are abused before the age of 8. (Child Sexual Abuse Stats)

Sexual perpetrators generally use the tactic of grooming. Grooming is the process of getting a child to feel comfortable with the person and with the idea of sexual behaviors. It generally starts small with benign secrets to see if the child will keep it. There then may be little inappropriate jokes or gestures. And even gift buying.

The point is to get eventually work the child up to more inappropriate and sexual behaviors but to have the child feel like what is happening is normal and appropriate. The perpetrator will even build an “us” vs. “them” mentality with the child to reinforce the “connection.”

This can be one of the reasons why reporting from the child is low. They don’t realize the behavior is inappropriate. It’s been normalized. And (this can be the hardest to hear for parents) it likely felt good.

That’s why often reports come from other adults who are suspicious of situations. Or from kids who inadvertently report as they talk about things they didn’t realize were inappropriate.  I have had many cases of having to report sexual abuse after a child-aged therapy client has nonchalantly mentioned sexualized behaviors.

How to stop this from happening

• Talk to your child about the importance and private aspects of their body.
• Reinforce that only you, as parents, or a doctor (with you present) are allowed to see them naked and only if they need help or are sick.
• If someone else is going to be taking care of your child, it’s important to go over “appropriate” and “inappropriate” touch. That even extends to hugs and kisses. Don’t force your child to give hugs and kisses to relatives or family friends. It is their body and should be within their comfort level. (I don’t randomly hug people and I wouldn’t feel comfortable if someone forced me. We should allow our child the same control.)
• Make sure that all members of the family have appropriate attire on when in front of the children. Otherwise, this can be confusing. (Why can the one-year-old little girl run around without her shirt on but the four-year-old girl should wear a shirt?)
• Ensure you meet the parents of your child’s friends before you allow them to go over to their house.

Good touch, bad touch – Peers

This is an area that often gets overlooked. But it shouldn’t be!

Given the prevalence of sexual abuse, sexualized media/entertainment, and pornography, children are privy to sexualized behavior far earlier.

As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older or more powerful children. And Juveniles who commit sex offenses against other children are more likely than adult sex offenders to offend in groups, to offend at schools, and to have more male victims and younger victims. (Child Abuse Stats)

Adolescents who are sexual abuse perpetrators tend to use force, power, coercion and threats towards their victims.

How to stop this from happening

• Ensure you have a positive relationship with your child and that you take an active interest in talking to them about their day.
• Be attentive to your child’s mood and behaviors so that you can see differences and then talk to them about what is going on.

Experimentation/Curiosity

To go back to when I was a child, curiosity was more along the line of “I know what mine looks like, what does yours?” And experimentation was maybe a quick peck on the lips.

Now the internet has robbed kids of their innocence. They know exactly what everyone has for body parts, so their curiosity and experimentation is more significant. It’s is more along the lines of I saw…and I’m curious what it feels like.

How to stop this from happening

• Monitor your child’s electronic devices and engage all parental controls.
• Have a conversation with the parents of your children’s friends so that you know what their electronic rules are.
• Monitor music and movie choices.
• Again, have a good connection and relationship with your child so that they feel comfortable talking to you about these topics.

I pray this post helps you to address the tough topic of inappropriate touching with your child.

Also please let me know in the comments below of any other “tough stuff” topic you would like me to address to help you have discussions with your children. 

God bless!

Melissa

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