This post is part two of a two-part series. Part one focused on how to teach your teen to follow their Christian values. This post will then address how to prepare your teens not to be judgmental of their friends who might not be following the same Christian values.
The process of standing up for your values while simultaneously remaining nonjudgmental is a difficult task for all ages. But we are called, as Christians, not to be judgmental.
James 4:11-12 (NIV) Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
Unfortunately, judge is an area that many nonbelievers feel Christians do far too often. And I fear that is true. So this is an area that we need to help our teens navigate better.
While this post focuses on helping our teens, the principles apply to all of us!
*The Do’s and Don’ts are practical tips from the book Talking About God by Steve and Cheri Saccone
Ways to Avoid being Judgmental
Pray for guidance before broaching a topic
Only God knows the heart of the person you want to talk to. Remind your teen to pray for guidance and discernment when approaching a peer. This process also ensures your teen’s heart is in the right place.
Do –
- Pray before, during, and after the conversation.
- Relax and allow God to guide the situation.
- Trust that the Holy Spirit is already at work in the person’s life. Even if they don’t realize it yet!
Meet them where they are
Even though I work at a Christian counseling center, many of my therapy clients are not Christian. Our organization was recommended, or it may have been the only place that took their particular insurance. Either way, many of my clients don’t want me to engage in therapy from a Christian perspective.
That is their right and my obligation to meet them where they are. My goal then has to be to show light even if I can’t utter the word, God. Although more often than not, they end up asking me questions about faith.
Do –
- Look for genuine points of connection and reinforce those places.
- Listen!
- Do be patient – always – while you trust in the work of God. It will be obvious when you are rushing or unwilling to go at his or her pace.
Don’t –
- Don’t indiscriminately accept and celebrate anything and everything someone believes, or lives out, in the name of grace.
- Don’t give the impression that God is okay with things that dishonor His holiness.
- Don’t minimize the person’s pain or struggles.
Be respectful
It is essential for your teen to remember that not everyone has had the life that he/she has had. Some teens come from difficult homes, broken homes, or homes that don’t believe in God. That doesn’t mean that their peer is “bad.” No matter their opinion, the peer warrants respect, even if your teen doesn’t agree or believe in what the peer thinks. Respect does not equate to agreement.
Do –
- Do seek to understand before you seek to be understood.
- Do think dialogue, not monologue.
- Be intentional without being domineering.
- Be passionate without being pushy.
Don’t –
- Don’t speak over, or for, the person.
- Don’t pretend as if you’ve got it all together or that you never have doubts or questions.
- Don’t invade or apply forced persuasion.
Provide truth in love
Above all else, we are to love. Again, it is important to remind your teen to share his/her Christian beliefs because he/she wants what is best for the peer. Not because they want to prove a point or win an argument.
Do –
- Be open about your beliefs and unafraid to share your spiritual experiences.
- Show empathy, not pity.
- Be you! The real you!
Don’t –
- Don’t ignore or avoid difficult truths.
- Don’t shame and speak in a condescending fashion.
- Don’t stop when the conversation gets too hard or complicated or tense.
I pray that is post helps you and your teen to follow their Christian values but not be judgmental!
God bless,
Melissa
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Hey, Melissa! Great points here. I wish I’d had this when I was growing up. I grew up in a wonderful, small, Bible believing church. Somewhere along the way I developed a harsh, judgmental spirit. It took God years to curb that tendency. It’s still there, although at least now I know it, and can prepare myself better. These are important tools if we want to reach our hurting world where they are. Thank you!
I don’t think you are alone Dianne! I think when we see the awesomeness of being a child of God, we can fall into judging people who haven’t made the same decision. Knowing it can happen is what we first need to acknowledge so that we, like you stated, can prepare ourselves. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your story. God bless!
Providing truth in love is a big one. Someone told me once it’s our responsibility to speak truth in love, but it’s not our responsibility how people accept that truth. I’ve held onto that because I think there’s so much wisdom in it!
That is great wisdom! So often people choose not to speak truth in love because they are worried about the other person’s response. Thank you for stopping by and sharing that nugget! God bless!
Thank you for sharing this wisdom! Meeting people where they are is definitely step 1 to trying to help them. So many times we want to push people into where we think they should be, while God may have them there for a reason!
Yes there is a huge difference between walking with them and attempting to drag them. Dragging never ends positively! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Such good advice. I love how you bring to light the detail & subtleties that can be so easily overlooked in a trying situation.
Thank you! It’s so important to not push, shame or scold someone into come to faith. It will only push them farther away. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
so much truth here lady! Praying is so key and I love how your heart is to do right and still love others!
That’s what we’re called for right?! Truth in love is so important. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Thank you for the wise words! I have started to have these conversations with my 10 years old, how to love those around him even when he knows that they are doing something that goes against our family values. He tends (as I often do), to feel superior because he knows better, but we try to help him realize that without a Savior we are all broken the same.
That’s great that you are having this conversation with him now. It can be easy to feel superior when you can see the error of other people’s ways. It’s so important to help teach humility. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your family’s experience. God bless!
This is an important subject to teach our kids about! We have many opportunities to judge, so learning how to be intentional and follow alternatives ways is great!
Unfortunately we live in a world that judges others so it’s so important that we teach our children the alternate ways! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is such sound advice at such a tricky age! I love that you point out to be who we are. Be genuine and vulnerable. <3 I know my parents did the best and they were wonderful. However, feeling like it wasn't me VS them would have been a true game changer.
The me VS them situation with teens is such a hard relationship to tackle. Hopefully starting these types of conversations early help our teens to feel like we are all on one side. Thank you for sharing your experiences. God bless!