Talking to Your Child About the Purpose of Dating

As a therapist, parents ask me how to talk to their kids about all the tough stuff topics. My goal for this series is to address each of these topics and help you and your child navigate the more difficult areas of life. This post will address talking to your children about the purpose of dating.

Here’s a list of other tough stuff topics that I have addressed or will be in the future:

• How to talk to your kids about sex
• Talking to your child about inappropriate touching.
• Talking to your child about pornography
• Self-harming Part 1 – Understanding Why it Happens
• Self-harming Part 2 – As a parent what to do if your child engages in self-harm
• Suicide Part 1 – Understanding Why it Happens
• Suicide Part 2 – As a parent how to react if your child is suicidal
• Talking to your teens about drinking
• Talking to your teens about drugs
• How to teach your teens to follow their values – Part One
• How to teach your teens to follow their values -Part Two …And not be judgmental

Dating seems to be a right of passage that many kids want to participate in younger and younger. There have always been crushes and friendships between boys and girls, but now there seems to be a greater emphasis and acceptance on dating at younger ages.

I see many elementary and middle school-aged kids in my office who exclaim to me that they have boyfriends and girlfriends.

My question to them is always, “Why?”

(This is usually when I get the eye roll from my adolescent and teen patients.)

But the question remains.

That is why dating has now become a “tough stuff” topic as our world is more and more sexualized and the understanding of “love” has become skewed.

What is the purpose of dating

First, we need to clear up some terminology.

Before the term dating, “courting” or “calling” was the process of finding a suitable spouse.

Courting wasn’t initially with the focus of two people falling in love. But instead, two families joining together in a way that was opportune for all members. The parents played a significant role in whether the relationship was deemed “good” and should progress to marriage.

The book, Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating by Moira Weigel describes how courting shifted into dating and how it is being viewed today. Weigel described the term “date,” can be found back in 1896. It was first used in a newspaper column where a young man was complaining that his girlfriend was seeing other people—that they are “fillin’ all my dates,” as in “the dates on her calendar.”

Weigel reported in the early 1900s; dating was viewed as sordid and inappropriate. The idea that a man would buy a woman food and gifts was giving the illusion of a type of prostitution. But the idea of dates took off during WWI with single women having slim pickings for husband options. This trend only increased with the invention of department stores and more widespread views of gift giving.

Now I’m not suggesting we go back to a time of arranged marriages or marriages for convenience. But it is essential for your child to understand the problems associated with dating as defined today.

How dating, as defined today, becomes problematic

A Status

Dating, in elementary school through high school, is predominately a form of status.

In talking to one of my middle school aged patients, he described that having a girlfriend was a way to be popular. Another patient reported having a boyfriend meant she could update her social media statuses to “in a relationship.”

As described by many patients, the idea of having a boyfriend/girlfriend is along the same lines of having a smartphone and what type of clothes they wear. Yes, they think the boy/girl is cute or friendly, but the intent is more about how it benefits them.

A View of Worth

Often the interest in dating also surrounds the desire to be desired. To fill a void and experience self-worth.

Unfortunately, I have had far too many adolescents and teens in my office lamenting over the loss of the worth and failure of their overall life because of a breakup. They went into the relationship believing the other person was going to make them feel good about themselves. The idea of dating was for themselves to feel worthwhile.

So once there is a breakup, the search for a new significant other takes place to have worth once more.

I can’t even guess how many times I have started the sentence, “Your worth isn’t dependent upon a boy/girl…”

A Desire for More

Human nature is often associated with the desire to want more. It is our selfish tendencies and our struggle with seeking instant gratification.

And this is where dating becomes the most problematic, especially when entered into at such a young age.

According to healthychildren.org, the average age of children dating is twelve and a half for girls and thirteen and a half for boys.

Okay, so let’s say a twelve and thirteen-year-old start dating. They snap chat, face time, text and start to hold hands. Then they realize they don’t like each other (a week later) and they break up.

Now when these two get a new boyfriend and girlfriend, the things they did with their first significant other isn’t as new and exciting any longer. They become desensitized to the interactions and physical touch they have already experienced.

And natural progression is that they want more. Add in that this new significant other is “way better” than the first, so there is also a desire to make this new person feel special. Until they break up because they are still in middle school.

That then continues into high school when we also get to add hormones to the picture, and legitimate feelings of infatuation and lust take place.

“The hypothalamus of the brain plays a big role in this, stimulating the production of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen from the testes and ovaries. While these chemicals are often stereotyped as being “male” and “female,” respectively, both play a role in men and women. As it turns out, testosterone increases libido in just about everyone.” (Source)

So if an adolescent has already started experimented with physical touch and interactions with their significant other, the desire to continue down that path is going to be even stronger.

Redefining Dating for Your Child

The goal is then to help your child understand the importance of dating for their future.

Song of Songs 3:5 (NIV)

⁵ Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.

I pray this post helps you to address the purpose of dating with your child.

Also please let me know in the comments below of any other “tough stuff” topic you would like me to address to help you have discussions with your children. 

God bless!

Melissa

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