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The definition of a test is a procedure intended to establish the quality, performance, or reliability of something.
“I want to see how long it will take before my husband…”
“If I don’t _____, will my husband _____?”
“I’m curious if he will even notice…”
I often hear some form of the above statements from my female therapy clients.
And in each situation, my response is “Why? What are you hoping to gain?”
Why testing your husband is hurtful to your marriage
Any type of test set up for your husband means you are placing yourself at odds against him.
Any type of test set up for your husband means you are placing yourself at odds against him. What are you hoping to gain? Because nothing good is going to come out of it!
Usually, the test is meant with negative intentions and as a reinforcement to you that he will fail. Even worse is if you share with him (or rub it in his face) that he failed.
That will only lead to a larger chasm between the two of you. And likely an argument. With the result of increased negative emotions, pain, bitterness, and even resentment. From both of you.
And if your husband passes the test, what do you do with that?
- Tell him he passed? His response is going to be “Why didn’t you trust me?”
- Think it was a fluke and test him again?
- Feel embarrassed that you doubted him?
- Tell your mom, friend, etc. that he passed the test. (Because they are the ones who put the doubt in your head, to begin with?)
None of those options sound good. And none of them are how a godly wife is supposed to interact with her husband.
3 areas women tend to test their husbands
Observation
“My husband didn’t even notice…”
This is a pretty common complaint I hear in my office. Why? Because guys don’t tend to be detail oriented about the same things we are. They also tend to be more “big picture” planners and thinkers.
Here’s a great example. One of the therapy organizations I used to work for had a photography program for the youth as a part of the treatment process. The kids got to go on some pretty neat trips and see beautiful scenery and landscapes. The program even had a gallery where the photographs were displayed and could be purchased. (https://purchase.inanewlight.org/) I loved seeing the talent of kids but I also came to see patterns. For the most part, boys would take big, wide, panoramic pictures of the landscape. Whereas, girls often would take zoomed-in, closeups of parts of nature or creatures.
Very different views of the same world.
I could cut a few inches off of my hair and my husband probably wouldn’t notice. Or I could rearrange some pictures or decorations in the house and it wouldn’t elicit a response.
But, if our vehicles are making a funny noise he would notice immediately.
This is the beauty of how God created us to be different. We make the complete picture when we are unified together.
Acts of Service
This is another area I hear about a lot.
“How could he not see the _____ needed to be done?”
Here are a few gentle challenges:
- Who usually completes that task?
- How does your husband know you don’t want to be the sole person in charge of that task?
- Have you asked him or told him to complete the task? (If you told him, you are not meant to be his task master.)
- If you asked him, is the task not getting done at all or not in your time?
- Has he asked you if you would like help in the past and you refused? (If you have refused multiple times, why would he continue to keep asking?)
If there is something you are needing help with, I encourage you to be vulnerable with your husband and share what you need.
But I urge you to not start the conversation with, “You never…” That will only steer the conversation towards the fact of whether he has indeed “never” helped.
Instead, “I need help. I can’t do this by myself. I don’t have the (time, skill, ability, energy, etc.)”
If your request doesn’t fit that example then I have another gentle challenge for you – why are you asking your husband for help? If the answer is “because he should” this may be more of a matter of your heart.
A Christian marriage is not about living life 50/50 with your spouse. It is about giving 100% of your love, to the best of your ability, every day. With hopes that your spouse is doing the same. But without the guarantee that he will.
Love
Testing the love of your husband can have the most harmful ramifications.
We see love tested often with our very young daughters and their daddies. Our daughter would want a hug from my husband and then she would run away to see if he would chase after her. And then she would giggle and squeal with delight when she realized he was right behind her. She was testing his love and her worth to him. She doesn’t do that anymore because she knows his love is secure. And she knows her worth. (Now she takes bold leaps into his arms knowing he will catch her!)
Unfortunately, I see this with women who don’t feel secure in their love with their husbands or if they don’t know their worth.
Ways love can be tested:
- Pretend or hold onto hurt and/or mad feelings to see if their spouse will support them.
- Use the silent treatment to see if their husband will try to mend the situation.
- Not connect with their husband via phone or text to see how long it will take them to connect first.
- Purposefully not put on makeup or dress nicely to see if their husband still wants to engage in sexual intimacy.
- Talk or flirt with members of the opposite sex to see if their husbands will get jealous.
In each one of those situations, the wife is withholding love from her husband. We are never to purposefully withhold love from anyone. Especially our husband who is to be our closest earthly relationship.
I pray that this post meets you where you are and gently and lovingly challenges you to approach your husband and marriage in a different way than the above scenarios.
God bless!
Melissa
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Melissa you have hit the nail on the head again! I see these attitudes so prevalent, especially in young married couples. I like that you pointed out, this is a giving of 100%, not 50/50. The world’s message is that we should only give as much as we get, or just get, get, get without giving anything in return, but God gave 100% of Himself and we are expected to do the same. Thanks for sharing your wisdom! – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Thank you for your kind words Amy! Yes, I also see this as more prevalent in our younger married couples. It is so sad as it only leads to pain and hurt. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
So helpful! I often feel tempted to so much of what you talk about here! My prayer has been to pray before taking matters into my own hands. The temptation to do so is often there, though! Thank you!
The temptation is often there because that Satan knows how to harm marriages. He whispers and questions the love of your husband so that you will doubt – and then attempt to take matters into your own hands, as you said. Prayer before action is such a powerful model! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Girrrrl I think I am victim to every single one of these! So on point. It’s never good to test your husband, and making myself aware of it is step one to stopping. Thank you so much for this post, and I’m sure my husband will be thankful, too!
🙂 I’m glad you found the post beneficial! These can be easy things to fall into without even realizing you are doing them. Thank you for stopping by and God bless your marriage!
I so rarely get to be right in my marriage I have never hit the share button so fast in my life. Is sharing this with your wife 6 different ways overkill? Anyway, great points. I know I have a lot to work on myself before people start tasing me or whatever they do to people in comment sections. Seriously though great points.
🙂 Haha! Prescott I love that your humor comes through in comments, too. Thank you for affirming the post from a husband’s point of view! I hope your wife finds the post beneficial 😉 God bless!
Melissa, thank you for your wisdom. I never think of how certain things I do could be my attempts of testing my husband. Oh, it is something that I will pay attention to from now on. Pinning this to my marriage board.
I’m so glad you found the post beneficial! Yes, testing is a behavior that can happen both intentionally and unintentionally. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts as well as pinning. God bless!
“A Christian marriage is not about living life 50/50 with your spouse. It is about giving 100% of your love, to the best of your ability, everyday. With hopes that your spouse is doing the same. But without the guarantee that he will.” A beautiful message, one that I remind myself of often! I’ve been going through a phase where I want to continue to pour out love to my husband, even when there are areas where I feel he could improve or do better. I have been trying less nagging, and pouring out where I can. I’ve noticed that when I do that, he follows suit! Responding with love has always gotten the best responses and we both come out so much happier. I feel so much more free giving up on nagging and focusing on pouring out in any way that I can. Basically, I’m happier when I focus on what *I* can do and not what *he* can do or isn’t doing!
Yes, very often when our heart is in a place of pure intention and focused on love and God, others around us can feel it and often was to emulate that behavior as well. Nagging rarely, if ever, actually achieves the desired outcome. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
Wonderful advice! I used to test my husband repeatedly, the sad thing is, I actually hoped that he would fail. Our marriage was in a dark place, we were in a dark place, so when he would “fail” I could add it to my list of reasons to leave. It eventually got to the place where we said we were done. But, Praise God, He saved us! Not only did He give us a new marriage but He also made us new. Since that time, I make a conscious effort to never test him.
Praise God indeed! He can make all things new and it’s so great that your marriage gets to be a testimony of that truth! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your story. God bless!
Great insights here! I am so pleased to say that after reading all of the scenarios and ways that this plays our, I was relieved to realize that in this regard, I think my husband and I are doing well. I would call the scenarios “games,” and I am happy to testify that WE DON’T DO GAMES with each other. We are not perfect, but we are authentic, and just…… skip over the games. Thank you God for were we are today… Thank you to Melissa for working to make a difference in families.
Tests and games are one area that we set very solid boundaries on when we first started dating. I’m sure in the almost 16 years that we have been together I have probably slipped up at least once or twice but it is definitely a focus for both of us.
I think I’ve done all 3 in my marriage at some point! 🙁 I’m learning from your posts about how to approach marriage in a different light!
I think we all have slipped up at some time or another. God gives us guidance and a blueprint to follow but it certainly can be hard at times. I’m glad you are finding the marriage posts beneficial. God bless!
“If you asked him, is the task not getting done at all or not in your time.” THIS is so true and so HARD. I can’t tell you how many times I want want to get mad or upset because something isn’t done when I need it to be! My rule of thumb is, if it has to be done in order for me to do something else (like taking out the kitchen trash so I can scrape plates and load the dishwasher) I won’t ask my husband to do it. Time-sensitive tasks just aren’t his cup of tea. Acknowledging this and not putting that burden on him avoids a lot of fighting in our house.
Yes, it’s so important to that we are being grateful of any help what we are receiving. If it is something that really needs to be completed to our specifications it often is best done ourselves. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
Great points and article. I know I don’t want to be tested by my mate. So I should extend him the same curtesy. I am also not sure what it would prove. If he fails, do I keep testing him more? And if he passes do I leave him alone or test him some more just to make sure? We can drive ourselves crazy.
Thank you, Theresa. Yes, testing our spouse is always coming from our own emotional insecurities. It isn’t helpful or rational. And it definitely can cause personal and marital distress. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Melissa, THIS IS SOOOO GOOD! Thanks for putting it straight forward for us women out there. I feel like our generation needs to challenge the role for us wives more rather than always putting all the blame on him. Thanks again!
Thank you Denise! Yes, modern society doesn’t like me very much! 🙂 But, it is so important for Christian wives to understand how different we should be presenting that our current culture’s view of women and marriage. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Guilty. It’s sad how we feel the need to test them and almost want them to fail. I am trying to do better.
That’s the important part, right?! To focus our sights on God and ask Him to help us try to do better! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Oh! I couldn’t agree more. And we shouldn’t test anyone because, as you said, it puts us at odds with them. It’s a test to see if they’ll fail! Crazy!!! When I was young….my poor husband. Wisdom comes with age!
I think we each can look back at some of the thoughts and behaviors we had in our early years of marriage that we are happy our spouse we still in the “smitten” phase! 🙂 Thank you stopping by and sharing your thoughts, Char! God bless!
This was a great post to help us remember to examine why we as wives interact the way we do with our husbands. And you’re right… most of the time we don’t think it all the way out when we intentionally or unintentionally set up the tests… It was a good challenge to ask ourselves “To what end” are we doing these things. Great points! thanks
Thank you, Karen! Yes, we need to be intentional with our actions and ask ourselves why we are behaving/reacting in the way that we are. Is it going to bring love and honor to the relationship or encourage pain? Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Excellent post, Melissa. When I stopped playing these silly games in my marriage, it grew stronger. And now, I just don’t have time for trying to manipulate my husband. It just works better to communicate properly. Thanks for sharing on Grace & Truth.
Thank you Aimee! It definitely works better to communicate properly! Often it takes self-reflection and growth to realized the games and manipulation are happening. And then it takes guidance and God’s help to stop the behaviors. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!