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Understanding Hoarding and Collecting in Children with Attachment Issues
I am a Christian mental health therapist. Over the years I have worked with hundreds of adopted children and children who have been in the foster care system. It is a topic that God has placed near and dear to my heart!
It takes a special person and family to take in children and offer love and protection. I truly believe this is a calling from God for some individuals.
What I also have come to experience is there is not nearly enough information and training to help equip adoptive parents and foster parents to understand and help care for these children in the ways that they need.
Many children who are adopted or in the foster care system have attachment issues or a full attachment disorder. This is not a choice but rather how their brain has become wired to view the world.
For greater information on what is attachment and attachment disorders please refer to my post Information You Must Know as an Adoptive Parent: A Therapist’s Guide to Attachment Disorders.
A child’s concept of love becomes skewed when they have attachment issues and then greatly effects how they interact in relationships as well as the world around them. Children with attachment issues view love as finite and therefore struggle to “share” love with others. This is also why most children with attachment concerns want and/or seek out more attention. They don’t have the ability to hold onto love and are more like a leaky bucket needing to be filled often.
Love then often gets equated to food and tangible objects. Please read my article on the Importance of Food for Children with Attachment Disorders for more information on that topic.
Tangible Objects
Tangible objects are real. You can touch them and use them. They are far easier for children with attachment issues to understand, as opposed to more abstract things such as love and quality time.
Think about it this way. What if you only felt loved when someone gave you something? The object would become important to you, right? And you would want to receive more objects to experience more love.
Now add in that you believe love is finite. So if a member your family gives something to someone else that would mean they got a part of your love!
This is clearly a skewed view of love and tangible objects but this is the way children with attachment disorders view the world.
Collecting
Children with attachment issues often collect items because of the skewed importance of “stuff”.
The process of collecting can be varied. Some kids will ask, beg, and plead for items to be bought for them. Stealing is often another method to acquire objects.
The monetary value of the objects don’t always matter as well. In my years of working with children struggling with attachment issues, I have known children to collect candy wrappers, magazine subscription cards, price tags off of clothes, labels from cans/jars, and many more. Clearly none of these items have monetary value but they did hold significance for the child.
Many children struggle to clean their room or get rid of old clothing and toys. For children with attachment issues, this process is much harder.
I worked with a young girl many years ago that explained her struggles with cleaning beautifully. She described when her room was clean she wasn’t able to see all of her stuff and that made her feel lonely.
I’m certainly not saying to allow your foster child or adopted child to live in clutter and filth so that they can feel loved.
Sometimes you have to get a bit creative!
- Use see-through bins and totes for toys
- Utilize shelves and bookcases to display items
- Take off closet doors for a clear view of clothes
Hoarding
As described in my post about understanding attachment disorder, a child’s brain alters when they have endured a history of abuse, neglect, and/or significant instability. They can struggle to feel secure, safe, and provided for, even in a loving and nurturing home.
This is where hoarding can come in. Hoarding is to accumulate items for preservation, future use, etc., in a hidden or carefully guarded place.
Often hoarding can get connected with food, but it’s not limited to just food items. Many children with attachment issues have secret stashes throughout their room, as well as the house, and potentially even outside. These stashes may include food, money, and clothing items. But I have also known children to hoard inconsequential items in various places to keep their stuff safe from being thrown away.
We always need to meet our children where they are. That is true for children who have secure attachments as well as children with attachment issues.
Initially a child may need stashes to feel secure. That’s okay! Please let that be okay!
Again, we just have to get creative.
- Create a “collection box” for the inconsequential items that is off limits for parents. (Make sure to have the conversation about “perishable items” for safety sake)
- Allow stashes with rules and boundaries.
- No stashes in other people’s rooms
- No stashes in garbages
- Put a limit on the number of stashes
- Again, discuss the concept of perishable items
- If the stashes are more like a ‘bug out bag’ and getting ready to run if necessary, talk about where the child could run to. (Remember meet them where they are!) Provide phone numbers, addresses, and a map.
- Trusted family friend (talk to the friend ahead of time)
- Local church
- Local park (depending upon time of day)
Helping the children with these issues is not condoning the behavior or reinforcing it. It is, however, helping them to know they are worthy of caring for. Exactly as they are! The hope is that it takes away the need for secrecy and some of their shame.
Please keep in mind, they didn’t ask for this life. But they did come into your home for a reason! I pray that you will let God work in your heart so that you can work in theirs.
There is information on attachment disorders everywhere however not all of it is accurate or beneficial. I highly recommend and trust information from Daniel Siegel, Peter Levine, and Bessel van der Kolk.
The book When Love is Not Enough is also a good introductory book to Reactive Attachment Disorders and attachment issues.
I pray that this post provides information and understanding for someone who needs it today.
God bless!
I’ve seen these issues in the adoptive children of someone I know. I’m sad that the children have so much trouble being able to receive love that is unconditional.
It is very common behavior of children who are in foster placement of have been adopted. I pray that your friend understands why it is happening and is offering support. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless
Could also apply to adults who have hoarding and/or attachment issues
You are right. These issues often continue into adulthood. The best case scenarios are helping the individuals understand and experience safety in their relationship with God and others.
Not just children. I have seen ot in adults to
You’re right. Hoarding and collecting happens to adults, too. My hope for the post is to help foster parents and adoptive parents understand why the behavior is taking place with the children in their home. Thank you for reading and commenting. God bless!
I totally understand why this is the way it is for them. But I do see it in even adults too (ones who are not adopted!) I think it definitely has to do with unable to receive love!
Yes, hoarding is not just a diagnosis for individuals who have been adopted. It often has to do with some form of past trauma. Thank you for reading and commenting. God bless!
I have seen this in a few family members that have hoarding issues and this post has opened my eyes to why they may have these issues. Very informative!
Yes, hoarding is not dependent upon attachment issues to take place but tends to happen due to trauma of some kind. Hoarding and collecting is quite typical behavior, though, for children and adults with attachment issues. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
For years I was a hoarder and collector of things. As God has healed me from past traumas, my need for collecting and hoarding has diminished. It is AMAZING what the power of the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ can do! Great information here!
God is good and merciful even if in the midst of working through the trauma it just feels hard. I’m so glad you have experienced God’s healing hand over your past traumas! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Thank you for this insightful post! These tips like the clear boxes and clutter box are very helpful. It is so disheartening to read these truths about the struggles kids experience. But these are great tips to help them learn about object permanency and by God’s grace and a lot of unconditional love, I pray they learn to understand what true love really is!
Thank you, Katie. It is such a long road for both the child and for the adoptive parents. God can heal all things but the child also needs to be in a place to receive His love. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
I love how you provide helpful tips on being proactive with the issue. It’s one thing to recognize it, but also to tackle it head-on with these solutions will prevent a lot of difficulty as both parent and child learn to trust and love the way God wants them to!
Thank you, Jess. Attachment issues are so tough for everyone involved. Sometimes the triggers that cause distress are unknown to the children themselves so it can become trial and error for the parents. My job is to try to come up with as many possible tips, tools, and solutions to head-off as many triggers as possible! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
I appreciate your insight and creative ideas on how to combat this at the same time as helping the child feel safe and secure as best one can.
Thank you for you kind words and for commenting. God bless!
I see a heart full of love of Christ, and also a zeal to shape children with kindness and compassion than enforcing them to be people of our belief and culture. Truly blessed. God bless your heart and the Work of your hands.
Thank you for such loving, encouraging, and kind words. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Melissa, thank you for writing this !! I have some experience with foster care, and thought I was called into the ministry………… but apparently NOT exactly, because obviously it involves the whole family, and THAT is where the deviation between my dream or desire and reality, became obvious. Never the less, it is a ministry or need that will always be near and dear to my heart, and WHO KNOWS what the Lord will bring in the future. Anyway, because of my passion for these children, on my blog facebook page……. trying to build it, and grow as a blogger who just started in May 2017, I have one article (from my blog) linked to a picture in GRANDMA MARY MARTHA album titled, “Encouragement for Life,” and in the comments, I am putting the link to THIS article that you have written. I think I also am going to add a link to your blog generally, to my favorites list which is a PAGE linked towards the top right. I pray that who needs it, will read it. In my limited experience as educator and mentor of some children with attachment disorders over the years, I HAVE dealt with this. Honestly I wish I had this article about three or four years ago when I was informally, counseling a great-grandmother who was raising her great-grandchildren…………. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for what you do !!
Thank you Tammy! God places certain topics and people in our heart! Adoption and attachment disorder has been one of mine. It is a topic that can be difficult to understand and even harder to help. Thankfully we have a God who is even bigger! Thank you for commenting and blessing me with your kindness!
I see this in both of my children… they are not adopted, but we have been through a rough few years with hubby jumping from job to job and a lot of instability financially. It breaks my heart to see them both hording things. I get even further aggravated when my youngest creates new stashes throughout the house… I find them everywhere sometimes. I struggle to give her boundaries because she literally explodes with anger when I try to talk to her about it… I’ll be checking out that book! Thanks for sharing this
You’re right, these behaviors are not specific to adoption but rather children who have endured trauma or significant instability. It’s also beneficial to help your daughter define and understand what vulnerable emotion is underneath the anger (sad, anxious, confused). I pray that God brings you peace and stability in your future. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!