How to Talk to Your Kids about Their Day
A common question I get from the parents of my adolescent and teenage clients is, “Do they actually talk to you during session?”
They are usually shocked when they hear their adolescent was engaged and even downright talkative. Most parents admit their child(ren) rarely tells them anything. Especially not their thoughts and feelings.
First, I have an advantage. I’m not their parents. Meaning, my adolescent clients don’t have to worry about getting into trouble with me. There is no worry that a negative behavior or decision is going to turn into consequence. (That does not mean I don’t call them out on poor choices!)
While that’s a big advantage. That is the only actual difference between me, as the therapist, versus the parents when it comes to getting them to talk.
Everything else I do in session I would recommend parents do to help talk to their children.
Give Undivided Attention
For the hour that a client is in my office, I am theirs. There aren’t any other distractions. I don’t have my phone out. My computer is off. I’m not trying to multitask with household chores. I’m attentive, relaxed, and engaged.
I know that’s harder in a household except that’s what your child wants. Attention. Your attention.
Set aside a certain time of the day or week to break away from all other things and focus on your child. Each of them separately, if you have more than one.
Be Interested
I genuinely want to know what is going on in my client’s life. What they have to say is important to me as it helps me to understand where the difficulties or distress comes from. God has also blessed me with the ability to remember small details about people’s lives. This helps them to feel special and important. I don’t want them to have to repeat parts of their story.
A huge aspect of being interested is being attentive, engaged and remembering the details of what your child says.
Often we can get focused on what we are doing and ask generic questions without actually listening (or caring) about the answer.
“How was your day?” can turn into a greeting as you are busily going about your tasks. The impression given is that you don’t actually want to know the answer. In response you get the generic “fine”.
Only ask questions you really want to know the answers to and have time for in the moment. Otherwise hold off on asking the question until you actually can give your undivided attention.
You can say something along the lines of “I’m interested in what happened at/with…but right now I need to get…done. Can we chat after…?”
This helps your child know you want to hear about what is going on with their day and you want it to be able to be a priority.
Build Rapport
When I first meet a client the focus of the initial sessions is to build rapport and get to know them. The process of building rapport is about ask likes and dislikes, understanding the person’s thought processes and temperament. And most importantly allowing the client to tell their story.
The same process can be so beneficial in your relationship with your child. Take the time to let them just talk. No corrections. No critiques. And avoid interruptions unless it is to ask for clarifying details.
You’ll be amazed at what they will tell you.
The more comfortable my adolescent and teenage clients feel with me and the more they believe I am actually hearing and understanding them, the more willing they are to listen to my thoughts and suggestions.
If I were too quick to correct and give advice to a new client (of any age) they wouldn’t feel like I was actually taking the time to get to know them. Their unique story and situation wouldn’t be validated. And the client would likely shut down on me or not be willing to return.
Ask Questions
I am constantly asking my clients questions. But the focus is to ask questions in a way that makes the person want to answer. They need to be non-threatening and show interest.
Break the questions into sections of your child’s day. A lot of details can take place in an entire day. When a person asks “How was your day?” or “How are you doing?” It can be too broad and the answer can feel too big. The result usually turns into “fine”.
Instead ask about their morning, afternoon, or certain classes. Ask about their extra-curricular activities. Break it up.
Ask about specific details. This is the importance of memory! Ask about the details your child mentioned to you during previous conversations. Teachers they dislike. Friendship drama. The class that is causing them troubles. Don’t forget the good stuff, too! Ask about the activity/event they are looking forward to. The boy/girl they have a crush on.
Avoid “What” and “Why” questions. These words can cause a person to become defensive and on guard. This usually leads adolescents to shut down or answer in a negative way.
Instead use a tone of curiosity. Here are examples:
- You told me about…how did that go?
- Whatever happened with…?
- Did you ever end up….?
- Tell me about…?
- Have you ever told me about…?
I pray that this post helps you to talk to your children and get them to talk to you in return.
God bless!
Melissa
These are incredible tips for getting kids to open up! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience in practical ways! As a momma of six, two of whom are adopted, these strategies are so important for creating a safe atmosphere where our kiddos can disengage any fear responses and just talk!
I’m glad you found the post beneficial. I pray it allows your children to feel safe and comfortable with you! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I love the asking questions part. I’ve found that if you ask more questions – along with the undivided attention – it truly shows people you’re not only listening, but you’re interested!
Yes, and if the kids feel like they are being asked questions from a place of interest instead of discipline or judgment, they are more willing to engage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts, Emily! God bless!
“For the hour that a client is in my office, I am theirs. There aren’t any other distractions. I don’t have my phone out. My computer is off. I’m not trying to multitask with household chores. I’m attentive, relaxed, and engaged.” I wonder why it’s so hard for us as parents to create this type of atmosphere for our kids to be able to open up.
It’s hard. I think we get too task oriented and our priorities get out of proportion. This is an area I want to be more intentional with my own children as well. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This was really helpful! I need to give more undivided attention, I know I need to be present. So often I’m trying to get everything done.
That’s a big one for me, too! When I’m home I’m trying to work on the blog and get household stuff done, too. Definitely an area for me to be praying on. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Have you heard of Parent Child Interactive Therapy? Some of the suggestions in that really changed how I interact with children. Great advice here. When we actively engage, we grow emotionally healthy kids!
Yes, PCIT can be really beneficial. It’s so true that taking an interested and engaged stance can truly help our kids flourish. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. God bless!
These are really good tips! Thanks for sharing this!
I’m glad you found it beneficial. God bless!
OH man, this is good stuff. When I was a youth pastor a lot of parents would complain that their child never talked to them. I would ask them if they initiated the conversations if they would give undivided attention, if they would actually care about what their child is saying etc. Parents really struggle with this, especially during the teen years.
Yes, unfortunately as parents we can be quick to correction and criticism. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
Thanks for this, Melissa! Being a mom of teens is tough, this article really gave me food for thought on trying to draw them out of their shells.
I’m glad you found the article beneficial. Teens are tough! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is great info! It is so important to give our undivided attention. As a mom, who thrives on multitasking, this is something I am working on.
It’s hard to slow down and give undivided attention. But I also know that if I am talking to someone and trying to tell them how I’m feeling, I would like them to be focused on me. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
My son and I have a great relationship. It has been me and him for some time now but the communication we share is one of the best thing about our mom and son relationship. I am so nosey.lol I ask everyday about his day and if I don’t ask, he asks me. I love this post. Thank you for sharing.
That’s awesome that you guys have a close relationship. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
Melissa
I always wanted to be the milk and cookie mom. To have the kids come home to fresh baked cookies and me with full attention on them. To say I have failed is and understatement. But this week I did it! And boy was it rewarding. When ever do we all sit after school and talk. Priceless! Having not agenda for enjoying my kids is my new mission. Just to sit and listen. Plus in a house of all males they love being listen too!!
That’s wonderful that you were able to carve out time to just be with your boys! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your success! God bless!
Insightful and practice, thank you
As a mom of 6 kids, varying in ages from adult to 11, I am constantly transitioning from conversations with an adult child to a pre-adolescent child throughout the day, so conversation tips such as these are paramount.
Thank you Denise. I’m glad you found the post beneficial. The wide age of children could definitely cause conversation whiplash. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!