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With marriage comes choices, responsibilities and obligations. There are the decisions of children, careers, finances, faith, friends, hobbies, volunteering, political views etc. And with each thought and decision there can be differing of opinions with your spouse.
And that’s where the problem can start. As you get older your views and understanding of everything around you can shift and change. But that means so can your spouse’s. If your marriage and remaining connected to each other isn’t a priority, your spouse can become a stranger.
[ctt template=”7″ link=”T6sfA” via=”yes” ]If your marriage and remaining connected to each other isn’t a priority, your spouse can become a stranger. [/ctt]
You can each get caught up in your own stuff. Your own day to day schedules and obligations can start to take priorities.
The person you once knew so well can become someone you hardly recognize. It’s not so much that you have differing opinions but rather you don’t realize the change and growth that has happened with your spouse. And then you don’t grow together.
I see this with many of my marriage clients. They come to therapy because they feel like their spouse, who was once their closest relationship, has become a roommate or worse a stranger.
Below are the recommendations I give my marriage clients who feel like they no longer know who their spouse is.
Remember What Attracted You To Each Other
One of the first things I ask my marriage couples is how they met. I love hearing their story. And truthfully I can gain a lot of information about the state of their current relationship based off of how the story is told.
I am more worried about the couples who share very little information or don’t show any positive shift in facial expression or body language when they are reminiscing about their past as a couple.
Take the time think back to how the two of you met. Retell the story from each of your perspective. What you thought and felt. Be as detailed as you can remember. And try to stay focused on your thoughts at that time. Stay away from “I wish I would have known…” or “Now I realize…” Don’t taint the memories with any current negative emotions.
Discuss what you enjoyed doing together and how/why you worked as a couple. What connected you to each other?
Focus on Your Current Connection
I will then ask my marriage clients about what they currently have in common as a couple. Even strangers can find some common ground. Discuss the areas you agree on and remain connected with.
No matter how small, this (these) area(s) need to be a connection point and focus until other areas become developed once more. These areas can become your fallback conversations and/or activities if necessary.
Date All Over
I recommend to my marriage clients that they date all over again. Like they did when they were first together. Even though life was happening at that time, too, you likely made each other a priority. You found times to get together, talk on the phone, etc.
What you do on your date doesn’t really matter but if you need some ideas check out this list.
If your interests have vastly changed from one another than both make a list of 26 date options. Together you just made one year’s worth of date ideas. Go back and forth picking from each other’s list each week. Even if the activity is not something that particularly interests you, focus more on why your spouse enjoys it. Use the experience as a way to better understand and get to know your spouse.
The most important component of the re-dating process is that you are making each other a priority and seeking to interact and connect.
Be Curious
The last component is to be curious about your spouse. Even if they are not taking the same level of interest in you. Focus on ways to get to know them better. What about their job do they like or dislike? The same questions hold true for their hobbies, friends, faith, etc.
Likely these were the types of questions that you asked when you were first getting to know each other. The process of being curious and seeking information about your spouse shouldn’t end. And even if it has for a while (or a long while) it doesn’t mean you can’t revisit those questions.
Please be encouraged that your spouse becoming a stranger doesn’t mean (and shouldn’t mean) that the marriage is over. Yes, there is work to be done. But growing and reconnecting as a married couple is one of the most fruitful journeys you and your spouse can embark on. Don’t give up!
[ctt template=”7″ link=”MVPx0″ via=”yes” ]Growing and reconnecting as a married couple is one of the most fruitful journeys you and your spouse can embark on. Don’t give up![/ctt]
To prevent your spouse from becoming a stranger, make sure your spouse is your daily priority and that you are actively choosing to love your spouse.
I pray you have found this post beneficial and that you and your spouse can embark on a journey to reconnect and recommit your life to each other.
God bless!
Melissa
p.s. Check out all of the beautiful sites I linkup with!
They say that there are three people in a marriage – the wife, the husband, and God – but too often, couples don’t allow God into the marriage..
That is incredibly true. Sadly, many of my marriage clients are not Christian so I’m not able to bring God into the therapy session. I then have to call on God myself for guidance on how to best help the marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Thanks for this practical post!! We can all look around and see this happening in people’s lives… and aware that it could happen in our marriages too. This list of actionable steps will help people who are currently experiencing this AND can help other people to prevent the issue. Thanks for sharing from your experience and expertise!
Thank you Beka! Yes, unfortunately we can see this happening in far too many people’s lives. My prayer is that they realize their is still hope for their marriage and ways to reconnect. And, yes, that others can stop their marriage from getting to this point. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I’ve seen so many marriages where the husband and wife become strangers because of where the mind of the husband has gone. When the husband is not willing to repent of evil views, the marriage is doomed because the wife doesn’t feel physically safe. Television and the internet pump sewage into the man so that he is truly a stranger.
I’ve seen this, too, Susan and sadly there are many other reasons why couples become strangers. The importance and sanctity of marriage just isn’t where is needs to be. Unfortunately that is why the divorce rate is so high. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
I think this is so important. My husband travels for his job and is in school full time. I teach full time and carry out daughter around. We need to carve out time to just be. Thankfully I have a great network of family who will take little girl overnight so we can have a date and just be! Thank you for the reminder. #rechargewednesday
It is very important to make sure the two of you are carving out time to focus on each other and keep each other at a priority. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
I appreciate the practical advice offered in this post. I used to think it was hard to find time for “date nights” and together time when our kids were babies and toddlers, but it’s gotten even more difficult as they’ve grown. For awhile there, our marriage started to suffer from “the stranger effect,” and for us, the key to getting back on track was making it a priority to schedule time together. Doesn’t sound so romantic to “schedule”–but makes all the difference in the world for keeping our love fresh.
“Scheduling” means it’s a priority! That’s great that you guys realized it needed to be more of an intentional focus and effort. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
Melissa you advice is always solid and doable! My hubby and I have been married almost 31 years and we have both kept a regular “date” night as part of our routine. Sometimes we are too tired to talk much, but just being together and asking each other about our day help tremendously towards keeping the relationship real. Thank you for the good tips! – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Thank you Amy! Yes it doesn’t always matter what you are doing together, but more importantly that you are intentionally doing something together. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
This is really insightful! I think more marriages die slowly than with one traumatic event. A “death by a thousand cuts” scenario. We keep a lot of plants around our home and the ones that are in the open we can easily tell how well they are doing. If we don’t tend to the ones behind the window blinds sometimes they can get neglected and die slowly from a lack of care. You need to keep your marriage at the forefront of your thoughts so it does not wither and fade away.
This is such a great analogy Stephanie! Yes, our marriage needs to stay in the forefront so we don’t forget to give it the attention it needs. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! God bless!
Dating and taking time to connect with my spouse is so important. We are in a very busy season of life and we so enjoy making time together. It’s important to us to not grow apart, which is so easy to do.
Busy seasons can be so hard on marriages and I feel like the “season” of children is all busy! I’m glad that you and your husband prioritize your time together. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
Great tips for keeping connected and also growing back together in connection! It’s easier to let our marriages grow apart, it takes more intentionality to work to keep it together!
It is a lot easier to let marriage grow apart. Complacency, busyness, and even comfort can lead to lack of connection. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Thank you for your advice! I am not married yet; although I am dating a man who perhaps may fit the bill. It’s encouraging to know that there is a way to deal with changes in people during a marriage. Thank you 🙂
Yes! Being intentional about continuing to share, connect, and grow as a unit is so important. And enjoyable! I pray God blesses your relationship and provides you guidance and discernment about the future. God bless!
Great article. I am living in this season–an extended one–but I know that God is able to do what I cannot do on my own. Thank you for the encouragement and practical advice.
I’m sorry to hear that you are currently in this season. It’s a hard place to be. Yes God is capable of all things! God bless you and your husband!
I am not yet married but this one is something I and my future spouse should know. Truly, Christians have a way of loving in a different way thru Christ. Thank you for this! <3
Yes, Christian marriage has a very different blueprint to follow than the rest of the world! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Hey Dear,
Very Nice and striking Blog. Thank you for Sharing This Information and also for giving important knowledge. Very Useful.
https://www.lukhidiamond.com/
Thank you! I’m glad you found the post beneficial. God bless!
I’ve been married over 40 years and still learning! Thank you!
Congratulations on 40 years Kathleen! I think we all continue to keep learning throughout this life journey! Thank you for stopping by and commenting. God bless!
Dear Melissa! Jana here from South Africa 🙂 came across your website and have read some really meaningful articles. I’m 33 years old and hubby is 37, we first met and became friends when I was only 15 years old and I fell madly in love with him, even though we only officially started dating when I was 17 and finishing school. He was my first love and I’ve never been with another man intimately, he has always been my one and only! I come from a very conservative Christian upbringing, my mom being the church organist and father being very involved with the church in general where my husband’s family never really went to church at all. We’ve been married for 10 years and have a beautiful 5 year old boy, yet sadly have had 3 miscarriages after he was born and we didn’t try getting pregnant again as it was just so traumatic every time. My father passed away 2 years ago in a very tragic motorcycle accident and I’ve become quite depressed after that. We’ve been struggling as a couple and really feel like we’re drifting apart and it’s breaking my heart. It feels like he’s no longer interested in me intimately and like we’ve just become roommates. We’re never really intimate anymore, I really struggle initiating intimacy as I’m extremely self conscious and shy about it and feel traditionally the husband has to initiate, and also it has happened a few times that when I did try to initiate, he didn’t feel like it, and I felt so terribly rejected and heartbroken about it that I just stopped trying in fear that he’ll reject me again. I’ve had immense stress at work often work very late, have little time to exercise and have gained a bit of weight, so overall not feeling very confident these days. His mom is also very much “apart” of our lives… And still treat us like children and as if they’re the higher authority, so it’s really like my husband never “left” his father and mother to become one with his wife as the Bible says, it feels as if we’re just all still kids in their house…. and even she commented at their dinner table the other night that she doesn’t know what I’ve been doing but I better start jogging and eating less. I felt humiliated and heartbroken. It feels like they gang up on me in a way, and all of this is contributing to us drifting apart as husband and wife. I don’t want our son growing up thinking that our “loveless” relationship is the norm… A mom and dad who never hugs or kisses each other etc… I want him to treat his wife like a queen one day, I’m afraid we’re setting a terrible example for him. I don’t really know what to do and need some advice. Would be greatly appreciated xo
Hi Jana, I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriages, the death of your father, and the difficulties in your marriage. Tragic losses are so painful to endure. I know of a few resources that would likely be beneficial in working through the loss: Loved Baby by Sarah Philpott, and I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair.
Regarding your marriage, it sounds like a few things are taking place. First, I would recommend taking the situation to God. Ask Him for guidance on how to interact and connect with your husband. Then I would focus on connecting with your husband and going to him with vulnerability and discussing how you are feeling – about the state of the relationship, the lack of intimacy, and the boundaries with your mother-in-law. At the very least, this will help you to know your husband’s thoughts about the situation. I will pray that it also encourage your husband to work toward reconnecting with you, too.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heart. God bless Jana!