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How to Raise Your Son to Stand Up for Others in a Society of Zero Tolerance
When I say ‘zero tolerance’ I mean the policy most schools have against violence. That sounds like a good thing, right? Except as a mental health therapist for almost ten years, I have seen this policy harm and hinder many kids.
I believe the zero tolerance rule was meant to protect and care for the children who were being bullied. However, there have been many unintended consequences because of this policy.
Inability to stand up for yourself
This is the first unintended consequence I have seen. Bullies prey on the weakness of their victim. It empowers them and emboldens them.
[ctt template=”9″ link=”6T3_H” via=”no” ]Bullies prey on the weakness of their victim. It empowers them and emboldens them.[/ctt]
With the ‘zero tolerance’ policy, children are taught to tell a teacher or an adult when they are being picked on. Unfortunately, unless the teacher witnessed the situation, they are unable to do anything about the bullying because it then becomes one person against the other.
The bullies know this is true and often this just causes them to be more sneaky and covert about their hurtful behavior.
Also, the idea of having to take your problems and issues to someone else produces the idea that they are not capable of handling issues themselves. This reinforces thoughts of “I’m not smart enough” and “I’m not strong enough”. In addition, if the teacher isn’t able to do anything about the bullying, it also reinforces the belief, “I’m not worth protecting.”
These clearly were not the purpose of the ‘zero tolerance’ policy. However that is what I have seen from hundreds of kids who have been bullied. We then not only have to problem-solve the bullying issue but also have to work through and change the negative beliefs that have manifested because of the situation.
Apathy
‘Zero Tolerance’ also hinders passerby’s from engaging because they don’t want to get into trouble. Overtime, peers stop even paying attention or noticing the victimization of their peers because they feel they can’t do anything about it. That process creates apathy. Apathy is the lack of interest, enthusiasm, and concern. In this case, lack of interest and concern for the people getting picked on. Clearly that was an unintended consequence of ‘zero tolerance’.
[ctt template=”9″ link=”39O5h” via=”no” ]Apathy is the opposite of love and the opposite of God’s desire for us.[/ctt]
How to raise your son to stand up
First, I want to address why I am not focusing on both sons and daughters. In my years as a therapist I am noticing the most change in our sons. As a society there appears to be a push to emasculate our men. I would like to believe this has not been on purpose, but I’m not so sure.
While girls also have stopped jumping in to protect the victims, girls are more likely to soothe and comfort them after the fact. This is not true of boys. Boys are not natural nurturers. This means the concern of apathy is not affecting our daughters as significantly as our sons.
So the ‘zero tolerance’ policy has more drastically altered the character and values of God’s image of our sons.
It is important for our sons to know why they should stand up for the victims around them.
Here are some biblical reasons:
Ecclesiastes 4:9–12
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Psalm 82:3-5
Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.
Proverbs 31:8-9
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”
The bible clearly talks about protecting and defending the weak and oppressed.
Practical tips for the school setting
Let me be clear, I am not telling you to teach your son to haul off and hit the bullies. There are other ways to stand up and protect others without becoming physical.
- Befriend the victim
- Get your friends to befriend the victim, too
- Walk with a peer you know gets bullied so they are not alone
- Be a witness – be willing to corroborate the victim’s story to the teacher
- If you know the bully, tell him to stop – let him know you don’t think it’s funny or cool
- Stop being friends with the bully if he won’t stop – even if it’s your good friend
- If you see someone being bullied, be willing to step in and tell him to stop and help the victim get out of the situation.
This is a topic that needs to be addressed and taught to our sons (and yes daughters, too). A society with increased apathy will crumble!
I sincerely pray that this post meets you where you are today and helps you to teach your sons how to stand up for others and why it is so important.
For more articles on raising sons read Let Boys Be Boys, 20 Mother/Son Dates to Increase Connection, 20 Father/Son Outings to Increase Connection.
God Bless,
Melissa
I love your tips. They are so right on. And your lead up was spot on too. Bullies are enabled with the current system. It’s broken.
It is broken. I don’t believe it was meant to do harm but when we try to make blanket policies such as this there will be unintended consequences. Thank you for reading and commenting! God Bless!
I love this post!! As a mother to a child that has been bullied, you are right on!!
I’m so sorry your child has had to endure the pain that bullying produces! Thank you for reading and commenting. God Bless!
Wow, I never looked at the Zero Tolerance policy this way. From the perspective of a “girl mom”: I know my youngest daughter is afraid of getting involved because she wants to avoid conflict. I never thought about it being a way to avoid getting in trouble at school, too. However, she is very empathetic and will reach out to comfort others like you mentioned. I really believe teaching our children empathy is so important! We will pray through the Scriptures you shared as we discuss having courage to stand up for the rights of all people. Thank you for this post!
I’m glad you found the post thought provoking. The policy clearly was not intended to harm but unfortunately there have been some very real unintended consequences. Thank you for reading and commenting! God Bless!
I have a son, and I very much worry about how to raise him in this type of world.
I agree Anne. It is hard to raise boys in a world that seems to be so against them right now! God bless you and your son! Thank you for reading and commenting!
I didn’t realize the consequences of this new policy! Thanks for the tips, with 4 boys I think its something we will deal with!
It is an important topic. God’s word tells us to take for others around us yet many school systems are putting policies in place that are in direct opposition of those teachings. In society we are dealing with much higher instances of apathy than ever before. Thank you for reading and commenting! God Bless!
Having a son this was something very urging to follow and take charge of. Very well conveyed ..
Thank you. It has been a difficult issue for so many kids that I see. Thank you for reading and commenting! God Bless!
So very interesting. Our society does not know the difference between peacemakers and peacekeepers. Peacemakers bring truth into the situation and sometimes have to use violence. Policemen and soldiers are peacemakers. Peacekeepers want peace at all costs. That never brings peace, just resentment and turmoil.
Such and accurate distinction! Unfortunately we also see how hostile our society is towards our peacemakers, too. It is sad and attempting to be instilled in our children at a young age. It is important that we teach our children God’s desires for us at an even younger age. Thank you for reading and commenting. God Bless!
I have a son, in fact he is my only son out of 5 children. As a mother I have done my best to instill in my son (and daughters too) to be bold and courageous to always stand up for those that are not able to or don’t know how to for themselves. And I also believe that it is extremely important for them to share what is going on with myself or anyone of their siblings. Thank you for the practical tips that you provided =)
It sounds like your five children are very blessed to have you for a mommy! These are absolutely conversations to be having with our children from a young age. Thank you for reading and commenting! God Bless!
Good information! I especially like what you said about sons. Society does seem to treat men differently and it is overflowing into our boys think and act.
Thank you, Sasha. It is sad how our son’s are being treated in an attempt to raise up girls. Thank you for reading and commenting! God Bless!
It is so sad that in essence we are teaching people to mind their own business instead of standing up and helping the weak! The latter is exactly what we need to do. Great tips!
Thank you! This can be a difficult topic as it flies in the face of what society is telling our young people to do. Thank you for reading and commenting. God Bless!
I like your use of Scripture to show why we should stand up for the underdog. I am a grandma with seven grandsons. I’ll pass the wisdom along to their moms.
I am also an author of a youth biography of a man who stood up for those in need,
Simon Kenton, frontiersman. This biography shows Simon’s belief in Providence
and his later conversion at a camp meeting. Would you be willing to review it if I
sent you a copy?
Karen
Hi Karen! I’m glad you found the post beneficial and I’m honored that you would pass it along to your family. Yes, I would be willing to review your book. I might even get my 8 year-old son involved! Thank you for stopping by Karen and for reaching out. God bless!