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It’s Healthy to Disagree in Front of Your Children
We are all different. We have different thoughts, opinions, perspectives, and emotions. And that is going to lead to disagreements.
This is true of our marriage, friendships, co-workers, peers, social media, and society at large.
Learning to disagree well and appropriately is an important lesson for us, as parents, to teach our children. It helps them to understand how to disagree, as well as the ability to reconnect after the argument.
And while we can explain the ways to disagree and even the benefits of disagreeing. Our children learn best by example.
First, let me clarify disagreements. If how you and your spouse interact with each other is more negative and hostile than you would want your children to interact with each other or their friends, then you and your spouse likely should set new boundaries.
[ctt template=”7″ link=”Bda35″ via=”no” ]If how you and your spouse interact with each other is more negative and hostile than you would want your children to interact with each other, then you and your spouse likely should set new boundaries.[/ctt]
Read part one of my marriage boundaries series for specific questions for you and your spouse to go through to be on the same page with how you interact with each other.
Disagreeing is a part of relationships
Again, we are all different and that is going to lead to conflict at times. But there are appropriate ways to express differing opinions that don’t damage the relationship. That is a valuable lesson for your children to experience, understand and learn.
How to disagree
- Don’t try to win – I know this may seem counterproductive. But entering a disagreement with the intent of ‘winning’ automatically places you against the other person. That mindset means you want your spouse and/or friend to ‘lose’.
- Focus on resolution – Keep in mind the desire to fix the problem or conflict.
- Remain connected – Remember that your relationship is more important than any disagreement.
- Don’t get personal – Avoid name calling, cursing and belittling.
- Focus on facts – What are the facts that are leading you to your opinion.
- Don’t make assumptions – Even if you know your spouse and/or friend well, you are not a mind reader.
- Don’t use extreme language – Always, never, and every time can lead to a peripheral argument that isn’t beneficial or productive. It then turns into, “I don’t always…”
- Focus on one conflict at a time – Piling onto the conflict with past issues is also not beneficial or productive. That turns into a disagreement that becomes harder to sift through and resolve.
Psalm 37:8 (NIV) Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
Following the above guidelines keeps the relationship intact and hurt feelings to a minimum. If hurt feelings arise, however, it is important to teach your children how to apologize, make amends, and reconnect with the person.
Romans 14:19 (ESV) So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
Gary Chapman’s The Five Languages of Apology is a book I have recommended multiple times over to couples I work with.
Lessons that are learned in the home
If children never see the conflict between their parents, they then develop a false understanding of relationships. This isn’t going to be beneficial for their own interactions.
It’s important for children to know that disagreements and arguments are going to happen and don’t have to be bad.
[ctt template=”7″ link=”AeZaU” via=”no” ]If children never see the conflict between their parents, they then develop a false understanding of relationships. It’s important for children to know that disagreements and arguments are going to happen and don’t have to be bad. [/ctt]
At the same time, if children experience their parents engaging in screaming and cursing matches, they are going to believe that is an okay way to interact with others.
When children see conflict between their parents is causes distress and a sense of uneasiness. At the same time, when they are able to see appropriate disagreements and then resolution from the conflict, it brings security.
Teaching your children to disagree appropriately can help them more effectively interact with siblings as well as you!
Lessons that are learned outside of the home
Children who are modeled appropriate ways to disagree are then able to navigate conflicts with their friends. Many children who haven’t seen or been taught appropriate ways to express differing opinions will end friendships as soon as a conflict arises. Because they don’t know how to handle the discomfort of the conflict and they don’t know how to resolve it either. So they bounce around from friendship to friendship.
This is also a valuable skill for the social media world. Too often I have worked with tweens and teens who have engaged in arguments on social media that turned into a bash-fest. First, engaging in disagreements on social media is never something I recommend. It’s too easy to misunderstand the tone of what the person wrote without being in person. But if your children understand how to disagree appropriately, they will also know what situations to avoid.
Learning how to appropriately and respectfully disagree is also beneficial for children for interacting with teachers and coaches. They then will have the skills to disagree with a grade or team decision. That helps your child to present as mature in the eyes of other adults.
Lessons that are learned for the future
Our desire for our children is that one day they, too, will be married and have a family of their own. Modeling and teaching appropriate ways to disagree will provide them a strong foundation for a healthy marriage.
It is much easier to teach our children now than try to help them change their pattern of behavior when they are adults.
Often the couples I work with acknowledge having never seen their parents disagree or they witnessed significant arguments. Don’t miss out on this valuable teaching lesson.
I pray that this post meets you where you are and helps you to think about how you and your spouse disagree so that you can teach your children a more effective way.
God bless!
Melissa
I love this – our children learn about relationships from their parents. If we don’t model healthy disagreements, they will have to learn them from somewhere else or by trial and error later on.
So many well intended parents try to keep their children from seeing/hearing disagreements but that actually does the children a disservice. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I love this. Learning to disagree well in my marriage was one thing the Lord walked us through. We did not have Jesus when our children were smaller and they witnessed some ugly arguments. I have been praying for the Lord to heal and redeem and fix in our children what we were not capable of teaching them when they were little. TY for your post! XO Donna
Thank you for your kind words, Donna! Remember the Lord can use all situations for good. Your children can learn from what they experienced when you didn’t have Jesus versus how you and your husband interact now. Thank you for reading and sharing your experiences. God bless!
If you disagree with honor, I think that makes all the difference, and assuming the best in the other person instead of antagonizing them.
I agree Susan. Unfortunately I don’t think people tend to focus on the best in others. If we aren’t careful, we can become too focused on our selfish desires. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I could not agree more! Our children need to accept that life is not perfect and that working in your marriage as a team is the only way that things can work. If you do not expose them to some kind of sensible arguments, they will have a false outlook on how a marriage should be.
Absolutely Keisha! Sadly this happens all too often and the newlyweds don’t know how to handle their disagreements. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I’ve always believed this and modeled it for our son and step daughters. Great point about the importance of kids using this skill in social media as well!
Social media has been the breakdown of so many aspects of relationships and social skills! It can become too easy for people to just spout off responses without fully understanding the ramifications. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
You say it so well, and make it so simple! Wish you were a published author 20 years ago. HUGS
Aww! Thank you Tammy! I would just like to be a published author in a few years! 🙂 Thank you for stopping by and sharing your encouragement. God bless!
My husband and I were talking about this the other day. It’s so important how to teach our children to disagree productively and in a way that keeps the relationship in tact.
Yes! It is so important. I’m glad it’s a conversation you and your husband took the time to have. Too few couples/parents do. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Such great advice here, Melissa! My husband grew up in a home where fighting was bad so it left a bad taste in his mouth.
I like how it’s not that you can’t disagree but there are civil and beneficial ways to do it to resolves the issue and teach our kids how to do it!
That’s understandable that your husband would have that reaction. Learning to disagree isn’t natural so it definitely takes time. Thank you for reading and sharing your experience. God bless!
Absolutely valid points here! I was listening to a show on the Christian radio recently along the same lines as this. Children don’t know how to constructively disagree with each other either because their parents don’t know or all discussions are done away from them.
Thank you Lizzy. Yes, by nature we are selfish beings. Think about two one-year-olds in a room full of toys. They both will inevitably want the same toy and will tug, pull, and hit the other child to get it. Appropriately disagreeing has to be taught. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
“If children never see the conflict between their parents, they then develop a false understanding of relationships.” >>>This is so true! I found this out when my husband and I got married! We really had to work through conflict in a way I’ve never thought of. His parents shielded him from most of their conflicts. Thus, he never learned proper conflict-resolution. I had the complete opposite. My parents didn’t hide their fights away. They apologized in front of us and to us kids. Then we all prayed together as a family. All homes are different, but it’s important to find a healthy balance in visible conflict and 100% visible resolution. Our kids learn by example! <3 Thank you for sharing Melissa! Another SPOT ON post!!
Thank you so much for sharing your example Katie! These are the types of things that take effort in a marriage because everyone comes from different families and different examples. Your family sounded like a beautiful example of teaching children how to disagree healthily! Thank you for the kind words and again, for sharing your experience. God bless!
So much truth here, Melissa! Rev and I rarely disagree and when our children were at home we generally took those rare disagreements to the privacy of our room. I now believe it would have been healthier for them to see the process of working through and working together. Thanks so much for linking up at CMB!
It can be a hard balance. Some issues and topics are certainly private and not appropriate for young ears. But understanding how to appropriately disagree is not natural and requires teaching for our children. Each family has to figure out what balance is best for them. Thank you for stopping by! It’s a pleasure to linkup on CMB! God bless!
My parents never kept their “little” arguments from me but looking back now, I think I was shielded from the bigger issues. As I am now raising my own family, I think I will allow my kids to witness the tougher disagreements too. This way, they will learn more about how to deal with similar situations and it will further encourage us to resolve it amicably there and then.
It is important for our children to witness the tough disagreements, too. (topic appropriateness permitting) Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!