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Understanding the Negative Affects of the Silent Treatment
Let’s make sure we have a shared understanding of the silent treatment.
I’m not talking about a need to cool off and collect yourself after a disagreement with your spouse. Something that lasts a few minutes or even an hour or two.
I’m talking about the decision to not engage with your spouse for extended hours and days even. Potentially weeks.
No matter how egregious the issue, the silent treatment has detrimental affects on your marriage.
[ctt template=”9″ link=”Zbsud” via=”yes” ]No matter how egregious the issue, the silent treatment has detrimental affects on your marriage.[/ctt]
John Gottman, known for his work in helping couples achieve marital stability, uses the term “stonewalling” when describing the silent treatment. He describes it as, “Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be totally unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors.”
His life work has been to determine predictors of divorce. Stonewalling or the silent treatment in one of his top four predictors!
So let me explain the consequences.
Break in Connection
One of the aspects that makes marriage so special and unique is the connection with your spouse. Aside from God, they are the one that you are supposed to be able to share anything and everything with.
The silent treatment is an active choice to break your connection with your spouse rather than choosing love.
Think of breaking a bone but not getting it set properly. That area is going to be weak because it didn’t heal appropriately. It then places greater stress and overall weakness to the entire bone.
Whatever issue happened may have caused a fissure but choosing the silent treatment creates the break.
Exacerbating the Issue
Something clearly happened within the marriage that led to the choice of the silent treatment. However, now the issue has been exacerbated because another issue is being added on top.
The more issues that get piled on top means the further away you are from addressing the initial problem.
When I work with married couples who engage in the silent treatment we always have to address this issue first. But that means reduced time in actually working on the problem that likely led them to meeting with me in the first place.
True work on the marriage then has to be put on hold until communication can be resumed.
Prolonged Resolution
This means the longer the silent treatment lasts, the longer the issue remains.
The pain of the issue is going to remain no matter how long the silent treatment lasts. Therefore you and your spouse will have to rehash the emotional distress all over again. Which results in two events instead of working towards resolution at the time of the initial incident.
And It doesn’t work to avoid and then just attempt to go back to normal. Because it won’t be normal. It will just add up. And add up. And the next issue will bring this unresolved problem back to the surface. As well as any other unresolved issue that has been festering.
This is why a disagreement about dirty socks on the bedroom floor turns into “you never love and respect me.”
Increased Resentment
Increased resentment is true for both spouses. And resentment leads to bitterness and bitterness to contempt. Contempt is also one of the four top predictors of divorce, according to John Gottman’s research.
The spouse employing the silent treatment
The longer the spouse engages in the silent treatment the more negative he/she is viewing her spouse. They are allowing the situation to remain and be mulled over in their head. That ultimately leads to resentment.
The spouse who is on the receiving end of the silent treatment
The receiver of the silent treatment gets shut out. They then can start focusing on the negative behaviors of their spouse and place all blame on them. They start justifying their own behavior in comparison to their spouses. This can also lead to resentment.
Increased Pain
God created us for connection as stated above. So when we are separated from others for negative reasons, hurt and pain set in.
The spouse employing the silent treatment
A spouse uses the silent treatment due to lack of emotional maturity in how to handle and manage pain. I recognize that can sound harsh if you have used the silent treatment in the past and are currently reading this post. But it is true.
A situation happened that caused the person to stop talking to their spouse. In that moment they either didn’t have the skills and tools to handle the event. And/or they chose to engage in a behavior that would cause pain to their spouse.
The justification I usually get in my office is, “I was trying to protect myself.” The silent treatment due to defensiveness will only lead to greater pain. Defensiveness is also one of the top four predictors of divorce, according to Gottman.
The spouse who is on the receiving end of the silent treatment
The spouse who has been shut out is then left to think, rethink, and over think the situation. They can create even more significant and horrific situations in their head. It leads to increased pain and hurt. The person on the receiving end can then struggle to be willing to trust and open themselves back up again for fear of being shut out once more.
I pray that the silent treatment is not a regular part of your marriage. And if it is, I pray that you seek help and guidance.
And for those who were counting – I only gave three of the four predictors of divorce, according to John Gottman. The fourth is criticism.
God bless!
Melissa
Silent treatment in marriage is really sad and very detrimental. It doesn’t just give the devil a foothold, its swinging the door wide open for him to join in the marriage and fill the silence with his lies and accusations. The Lord doesn’t even want us to go to bed angry at our spouse. (Ephesians 4:26) I can just imagine the damage that happens when days or weeks go by! Praying that this post will touch someone today who desperately needs to have God touch her marriage with His love and healing. Blessings to you …
That is my prayer as well! The silent treatment is definitely the devil’s playground in a marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Melissa, thank you for this post. My husband has been a regular proponent of the silent treatment, at least in the past. Unfortunately, I believe he would say he used it, so that he didn’t further hurt me by saying mean things, etc. However, I am fully aware of the damage it has done in our marriage. He rarely employs that technique any more, but the damage that took place will take a long time to overcome. I have suggested counseling, but he is reluctant, so I have dropped it. The silent treatment is not the right way to restore a relationship…so much hurt, and it only left me dealing with an already bruised self image. I am very thankful for Christ, and the changes He has made over the years, but I am praying that at some point my spouse and I would be able to seek counsel and work through some of these issues. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I really appreciate it. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
I’m sorry to hear that the silent treatment has been a part of your marriage. However, I am happy that your husband no longer uses this method. Thankfully God can heal your hurts far better than your spouse can. Even if your husband is unwilling to seek counsel that doesn’t mean it still wouldn’t be beneficial for you. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless you and your journey to healing.
This is a helpful detailing of what goes on, especially prolonged resolution where the issues fester because of beginning to associate the issue with other hurts that have happened in our lives. Our head becomes easily filled with lies in the silence. I have some personal experience here… Great post!
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to experience this. Yes, unfortunately the silence only leads to greater exacerbation of the issues. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and experiences. God bless!
WOW did this prick my heart! YES this has been part of my marriage, the first half… Yet I feel no guilt, and I acknowledge that it was due to lack of emotional maturity. I was doing the best that I could, and in that way, I did not spark my husband’s temper (another of the figurative demons we have wrestled with). He fell into the category of truly not caring if I was unusually QUIET and trying to avoid him (back then). Bad, sad memories……. then 9 month separation, and God healing US and opening MY EYES and giving me new insight, grace, wisdom. I thought ALL of the problems were because of him, and he did bring some serious baggage and weaknesses to the home, but over time, God revealed to me that I brought my fair share of baggage, flaws, and weaknesses. Mine were just hidden and camouflaged. Husband very simple in needs, desires, expectations. Very loyal, and wants to please. I am so grateful for the work of the Holy Spirit, AND people trained to share and teach proper communication skills, life strategies, decision making, interpersonal relationship skills… like you, Melissa. There is such a need, and a powerful ministry. I can fathom that you sometimes yearn to see blossoms from your seeds……… but I KNOW you make a difference. Bless you precious sister.
I’m so glad the Holy Spirit moved in both of you. It can be so easy to see the negatives and flaws in others but much harder and more humbling to recognize our own issues. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. You are always provide encouragement! Thank you Tammy! God bless!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the silent treatment. When my husband and I get upset at one another we tend to ignore each other for awhile, sometimes it has gone overnight, but it doesn’t happen often. Generally, we talk things through shortly after the incident takes place, but after reading this post and seeing the negative effects it can have on my marriage, I am going to try to resist the urge to ignore him and just simply talk the problem through. Thank you for opening my eyes to the damage I am potentionally causing in my marriage.
Ignoring each other can be a common desire and response, but yes, it can lead to larger issues and festering wound. I’m glad that you found the post beneficial. Thank you for reading and sharing your experience. God bless!
Indeed, the silent treatment doesn’t resolve anything. Thoughts about the other person fester and always make matters worse.
Absolutely Susan. It’s very harmful for each spouse. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Wow! I didn’t know it was a predictor of divorce! When my husband and I fight we usually cool off and then try and work it out as soon as possible! This was a very informative and helpful post!
I’m glad you found it beneficial Julie. When we think of marriage from a biblical perspective, two are to become one. When we choose to break that for any reason it is so detrimental. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
Dear Melissa!
Great term “Stonewalling” that you’ve brought into your blog post from John Gottman.
The spouse is as you write someone with whom we can share everything.
You had a good way of breaking this topic down into understandable pieces.
My favourite sentence of this particular blog post was:
“And It doesn’t work to avoid and then just attempt to go back to normal. Because it won’t be normal.”
Pretending does not help in any true problem-solving situation.
As I’m a Filipino, I can add one aspect to this topic that we won’t find in the Western world.
I came to think of it when you wrote:
“A spouse uses the silent treatment due to lack of emotional maturity in how to handle and manage pain. I recognize that can sound harsh if you have used the silent treatment in the past and are currently reading this post.”
In the Philippines, and I tend to believe in other parts of Asia as well, the Silent treatment is part of our growing up.
Our word for it is Tampo.
For Filipinos who haven’t lived in the Western world, this will be a natural part of life.
Tampo is a unique phenomenon that has no equivalence in the Western world.
Most women from the Philippines would disagree with the idea about the silent treatment as “lack of emotional maturity in how to handle and manage pain.”
I understand your perspective and agree to a certain point.
My point here is just that it’s interesting that we react differently to basic feelings across the world.
Thank you for an interesting and well-written blog post.
God bless!
Edna Davidsen
Thank you for sharing your knowledge about the women in the Philippines. Tampo was not something I was aware of. I’ll have to look it up so I can have an understanding of where it came from and what it’s purpose is. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your perspective. God bless!
This is one area I have truly had to work on! I used to fly off the handle at the smallest things, because the big things went unspoken! It wasn’t the silence that started eating away the relationship, it was the lack of addressing it in a healthy manner. You should always approach with gentleness, knowledge, and grace. You are right, the longer the silent treatment lasts, the longer the pain endures. I have found a balance. I may not speak right away about a matter, but I NEVER stop speaking to my husband. I keep it in, until I know God has helped me work through it. And, in a healthy way, I can approach with forgiveness. It’s difficult to hold on to something and not let resentment creep in. But, if you lay it before the throne, you can have a level and honest conversation with your love. We are both sinners; we both fall short. <3
I’m so glad this is an area that you have address and allowed God to work in you! When we are open to God’s lessons and healing He eases our pain. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and experiences! God bless!
I completely agree. There is a time to be quiet but using the silent treatment as a weapon can be as dangerous as all the scars of verbal fighting. It feels like abandonment. Prayer for a softer heart and ears to hear is so positive.
Yes, it does feel like abandonment and far too often, too many of us have past experiences of abandonment that only trigger us all the more. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
The longer it goes, the more unsaid, the bigger that mountain of resentment gets. It makes a fake martyr and it’s exhausting. There’s a reason we are not to let the sun go down on our anger!
These are such great points, Jamie. The couples I meet with who use the silent treatment are exhausted and resentful. And it takes significant work to help them reconnect. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your insight. God bless!
So many good points.
I’ve lamented my more vocal style of handling conflict over the years — I don’t seem to be able to keep my mouth shut when I’m upset, rendering the silent treatment inaccessible for me.
Now, I guess, I’m thankful. 🙂
Ha! I’m going to guess there’s probably a happy medium! 😉 Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!