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How to Pour Confidence into Your Children
As a therapist, I meet with many children who struggle with confidence issues. The result can lead to excessive worries, tearfulness, anger outbursts, and even lying. Unfortunately, those behaviors can then worsen the issue and lead the child to have even less confidence. (please note that I’m not saying that confidence issues are the only reason a child could be experiencing those symptoms)
Confidence is a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something. Very few children are blessed with an innate sense of confidence. More often, a child receives messages from the world around him as to whether he is good enough and capable enough at something or even as a person. This process continues and aides in the growth of confidence or lack thereof.
These messages come from everywhere around us. Parents, siblings, extended family, peers, teachers, coaches, and even strangers and social media.
Children who have confidence in who they are as a person are better equipped to stand firm in their beliefs and say ‘No’ to things that can hurt them.
As parents, it it our role to build up our children’s confidence so that the negative messages of the world don’t bring them down.
Love
Love your children unconditionally!
Ever since our children were very little we would ask them, “Why do I love you?” And then we taught them the answer, “Because I’m your son/daughter.” We wanted them to know that no other reason mattered!
Don’t add qualifiers to your love.
For example, “I love you Johnny, you’re such a good boy.” You now are connecting Johnny’s behavior to your love. The underlying message then is that you wouldn’t love him if he was a “bad boy”. This message reinforces beliefs that love is contingent upon behavior and acts.
Here’s another example, “I love you Sarah but you have to listen to mommy.” The ‘but’ actually negates the first part of the sentence.
Help your children understand God’s love for them, too. Show them bible verses that talk about God’s unconditional love.
Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
What a confidence builder, right?! To know that our Lord delights and rejoices in us with singing! That certainly helps me feel good about myself.
Praise
The second question we taught our children is, “Why am I proud of you?” And then we let them answer all the reasons they think we are proud and we add on more, too.
The important component of our praise is that we name what we are proud of or what we want to see them continue. If we just say, “Good job” we aren’t letting them know exactly what they did that was good. Therefore they may not know what we want them to do again.
Here are examples to start you off.
- I’m proud of you because…
- You did a good job with…
- Thank you for…
- That was kind of you to…
Teach
Teach to your children’s talents to build confidence. We all have different abilities and strengths. That is the beauty of how God created us!
The book, The Eight Great Smart by Kathy Koch teaches the eight different ways that people are intelligent: body, logic, music, nature, people, picture, self, and word. The book is helpful in identifying the different “smarts” that your child has through a quiz that both you and your child complete. It then breaks down each smart into chapters to discuss how best your child learns as well as how to develop that area.
Also, teach your children what you want them to be doing. For example, “Susie, come sit down.” Instead of, “Susie, stop running around.” The first lets your child know what you want them to be doing while the second only points out the negative behavior.
That may not seem like a huge distinction but think of all of the re-directions you give your toddler and small child on a daily basis! That’s a lot of focus on their negative behaviors. Truthfully, children want to please their parents but they need to know what they’re suppose to be doing and they need reinforcement and praise for when they do.
Encourage
Let your children know it’s okay to fail! The important thing is that they try and try hard. My husband and I don’t allow our children to say, “I can’t”. We rephrase it to “you don’t know how yet”.
Okay, so now bear with me. My husband is a huge Nebraska Corn Huskers fan. Whether you follow college football or not or have another favorite team, the Huskers have an amazing before game prayer.
Dear Lord, the battles we go through life, We ask for a chance that’s fair, A chance to equal our stride, A chance to do or dare, If we should win, let it be by the code, Faith and Honor held high, If we should lose, we’ll stand by the road, And cheer as the winners go by. Day by Day, we get better and better. The team that can’t be beat, WON’T BE BEAT!
You can’t help but be pumped up after that one.
When our children are trying something new or challenging, my husband will say, “Day by Day…” and the kids answer, “we get better and better.” This may sound cheesy but it reinforces for our children that hard work and perseverance is what helps them succeed and that builds confidence.
Every night before bed we also tell our kids, “Dream Big!” because nothing is impossible with God.
Model
This one may be the hardest for some parents. You also need to model confidence! Your children need to see you proud of yourself and acknowledging your God-given talents.
I think we all know, “Do as I say, not as I do.” doesn’t work in parenting.
If our children hear us putting ourselves down or comparing ourselves to others, they will learn to internalize that behavior, too.
Pray
We need to pray for our children!
Dear Lord,
I ask that you watch over our children. Help them to experience your love and know that you are with them through all things. Show them the talents you created in them and give them the courage to use those gifts. Guide them on your path and show them the way so that they can glorify You.
And I ask you Lord to help as their parent. Help me to teach my children of your love. And to not hinder them from you. Help me to build up their talents and reinforce that they are made for greatness!
I thank you Heavenly Father, for the gift of our children. I know that they are yours and I am humbly blessed with the opportunity to love and parent them.
In your heavenly name, Jesus Christ, Amen
Pour Confidence Into Your Children printable
I pray that this post helps you to meet your children where they are and to pour confidence and love into their hearts!
God bless,
Melissa
I am so blessed by this post, for it is filled with priceless advice for me. My kids are still young and I want them to be a confident , and loving kids. I am taking notes on al of these pointers.
Growing up I never heard “I love you” from my parents must be some cultural thing who knows. But I make sure to tell my children ” I love you” all the time
I’m so glad the post was beneficial for you! I have two young children as well, eight and five. It’s also important to learn your children’s strengths and weaknesses to better encourage confidence in them. My children are VERY different and need support and encouragement from us in different ways. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Thanks, Melissa, for sharing your wisdom with parents. Heaven knows in this day and age of confusion, parents need to strengthen their children with confidence not only in who they are, but who God created them to be!
Amen! Our world has become a place of such negativity that breaks down the heart of our children if we’re not careful! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
This is such a wonderful post! I strive each and every single day to do all of the above in hopes to build better relationships with my kiddos. I have just recently started to “teach” them in-depth about the ways of the Lord. I have always taught them about God, but now we talk more about spiritual gifts and a how to walk in their true calling at a very young age.
Reading your love and your passion through your blog posts, I’m sure your children are blessed to have you for a mommy! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Very nice post! Parents need to be reminded that these things don’t always happen naturally. Just as much as I taught our daughters not to seek out praise for things they have done, I made sure I gave that praise so they knew that their efforts were appreciated. Praying for them, walking and talking in the word with them every day – priceless things. As a mother of five, I’ve seen the good this has done in our older girls, but I still need to be reminded to keep my awareness up for these things with the younger ones. Thank you for sharing.
It is such a balance, isn’t it. There worth is not dependent upon what they do and at the same time we want to encourage them for doing the right thing. Confidence with the balance of humility! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Melissa, this is a fabulous article! I especially love your wisdom on Praise. I’ve heard it taught before that we should be very specific in what we are praising our kids for. I admit this is not something I do well, or do often. You have encouraged me to be mindful of this concept, yet again.
Thanks for sharing!
-Rachel (Moments of Hope link up) 😉
Thank you for the kind words Rachel. Children definitely benefit the most when our praise is intentional. It reinforces exactly what we want them to be doing and/or what we are proud of them for. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
All of us need more encouragement in our lives, and we have the ear of our children more than anyone else. We need to love them unconditionally and affirm everything good in them.
Absolutely! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
I have one son who really struggles with self confidence and these are all good reminders.
My son is my more sensitive, shy-guy as well. My husband and I pray often on how to help him see the wonderful gift and talents that God has blessed him with. Fervent prayers and intentional parenting! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless you and your son!
When my son was a little boy, we played a tickle-game that went something like this:
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you’re marvelous?
Jon: Umm, I …mart-a-bus!
And I would tickle him, and he’d giggle.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you’re brilliant?
Jon: I… bwilliant!
Tickle-time again.
We played every day, and added every positive word I could imagine as the days went on. Jon and I would rehearse just how wonderful, excellent, brilliant, genuine, honest, kind, super-de-duper, etc. that he is. A few years ago, at his wedding, as we danced, spontaneously I asked him, “Has anyone ever told you, you’re marvelous?” He grinned, “I’m marvelous.”
Jon’s wife says that he has more confidence than anyone she’s ever met.
Just as God formed the world and called forth light with His words. We have the power to “create” with ours. Speak Life.
Thanks for sharing the ultra-important reminder of the power of our words!
What a sweet and beautiful game that you provided your son that encouraged growth and confidence. My husband has a humble confidence that I love and desire to instill in our children. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
My children have grown up but they have still not outgrown the need for unconditional love and acceptance. One thing I have learned is that kids do not owe you their presence when the get older. However, if you have nurtured your relationship with them over the years, then you get to continue to have one when they get older.
This is so true! However I’m not going to think too much about my kids being grown. I want to cherish as many moments as I can with them being young! Thank you for your amazing insight! God bless!
as a young mom this is absolutely such a blessing to me. thank you for sharing.
I’m so glad the post was helpful! Our children are so precious and it is our role to help them realize their worth in God’s eyes! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
It is such a blessing when someone comes alongside of us and cheers us on, especially in the areas where we are not confident.
I agree! I strive to be that person for my children because I know how hard it it when it isn’t there. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
I absolutely love, love, love when you talk about teaching children about their unique intelligence. I don’t have children myself but my friend Hannah does and she is into what is called respectful parenting and her three girls are so, so, so confident and assured of themselves. You can see that radiating in their love for learning and their natural sense of child-like wonder! When an environment is created to build a child’s confidence, the world is their oyster! 🙂
It is so neat when kids know their talents and have a humble confidence! That’s so great that your friend has figured out how to do that for her daughters! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Every one of these are so good! One of the things I talked to my children about were their “gifts” (i.e. talents) from Don and Katie Fortune’s Spiritual GIfts books from an early age. I have 5 sons who are so different – and the differences are a cause for celebration. Yes – not everyone has the same gifts/talents – and learning to celebrate how God made each of us and each other – instead of feeling we all need to be “just as good” in all gifts. I so enjoyed your post – not just because they are such good ideas – but I feel like I did all those things!
It’s a nice confirmation when we read something and can say “Yes!” I’m doing a good job! I love those moments! I’ll have to check into your book recommendation! Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Thank you for these tips! I’m actively working on these recommendations and it significantly improves my kid’s behavior over all. Sometimes kids need a little confidence boost to make better choices. Sometimes they need a confidence boost to tell you what’s going on in their heart when they are not making the best choices.
Oh I love your last statement! Yes! So often kids, whether my own, or kids I’m working with in a therapy capacity, need to know that they are going to be accepted before they will let you know what’s going on. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!