Walking down the Parenting section of any bookstore is enough to make your head spin.
Some books tout their style over others. The right way and the wrong way. One parenting theory over anything else.
But here’s the secret, there is no “one way.” Many good ways work well for different children and families.
What I have found to be one of the most critical components of the families I have worked with is parenting consistency.
Parenting Consistency: Defined
The definition of consistency is conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.
That means the rules you have today are the same rules tomorrow and next week. The same expectations. The same consequences.
Now I’m not saying never change your parenting style. There’s always room for improvement and tweaking. However, bouncing from one strategy to the next, or one routine to another, won’t be beneficial for anyone.
Parenting Consistency: Security
As much as children and teens will say they don’t like rules and expectations, their emotional functioning says otherwise.
If “yes” means “yes” today but next week when your child asks you the same question and the answer is “no,” it’s going to lead to confusion.
Or if you allow a behavior (running in the house) for a certain period and then all of a sudden yell at them for running, it’s going to lead to confusion.
Confusion does not lead to a feeling of security. It leads to a sense of stress, apprehension, and frustration. It is due to those emotions that children and teens will start to test the limits.
Not because they are naughty, disobedient, and defiant children, but because they are trying to establish the boundary. (Yes, the very thing they say they dislike!)
So it’s not so much what rules you have, expectations you put in place, chores you dole out, or consequences you use. It is that you maintain and follow through on the ones you establish. That means at all times and in all situations, with all people.
However, if you are in a situation where you can’t follow through on one of your rules, it’s helpful for your children to let them know why on this occasion it won’t be happening. That lets your kids know that you have thought through and chose not to follow the established rule. That takes away the confusion component.
Parenting Consistency: As a Married Couple
As much as consistency as a whole is beneficial, parenting consistency as a parental unit is essential.
Now I’m not talking about minor differences because of personality differences. Like one parent’s ability to tolerate the volume level of the children while they’re playing.
I mean differing and altering of rules, expectations, and consequences between the parents. Blatantly and with purpose choosing to parent differently. Or even parenting under different guidelines due to lack of communication.
That enables the children to be able to manipulate and triangulate the family dynamics for their benefit.
However, establishing parenting consistency as a couple can be a source of marital issues.
Focusing on your marriage is always to be the number one priority. That mentality keeps the two of you aligned as opposed to fighting against each other.
Parenting Consistency: As a Divorced Couple
I will repeat the same line. As much as consistency as a whole is beneficial, parenting consistency as a parental unit is essential.
Understandably, divorce makes the process more difficult as we are now discussing two homes rather than one, as well as whatever reasons led to the separation. However, the health of your children should supersede all other issues.
If at all possible, try to have the primary rules, expectations, and chores be the same at each house. (Bedtimes, curfew, screentime/electronics, and duties.)
Divorce is painful for children, and the process of transitioning back and forth between homes can be overwhelming. However, having predominately the same schedules and expectations in both places would help to ease that transition.
Parenting Consistency: Impartial Advice
I have worked with many married and divorced couples to help establish parenting strategies.
We often view parenting rules through our experiences, both positively and negatively. That can hinder the ability to logically and rationally discuss and agree on expectations.
The ability to have impartial advice from a therapist, a pastor or a child advocate (for divorced couples) can be beneficial in establishing parenting consistency.
To print the worksheet, signup for the Resource Library below to gain access to this and all my other printables and freebies!
I pray you found this post encouraging and beneficial.
God bless!
Melissa
p.s. Check out all of the beautiful sites where I link up!
*Disclosure: This post may contain affiliates. Read the full disclosure here.
Good advice for parents! Too often I’ve let how I’m feeling (e.g., tired, stressed, happy, optimistic, pessimistic, etc.) Influence my parenting, decreasing the consistency they really need. This post is a goid reminder for me!
Thank you for your kind words, Jamie. I’m so glad to hear that you found the post beneficial. God bless!
Thank you for sharing this! I loved it all but especially right at the beginning : “there is no ‘one way.’ Many good ways work well for different children and family.” TRUTH! We have 4 kids and while we have established rhythms and routines, each of the 4 must be parented slightly different. Anyways thank you!! ❤️
Thank you, Elita. Yes, each parent needs slightly different approaches and encouragements. That in and of itself can pose some difficulties for parenting consistency. However, it’s also important to explain to our children that they are unique and need to be parented as such. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Good advice Melissa!
Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer!
You have provided such excellent insight here on the importance of parenting consistently. Children crave structure, and parents who are consistent with their children in all facets of raising up a child will reap many blessings as a result.
Thanks so much for sharing.
You are so right, Karen. There are so many long-term benefits for our children when we are consistent. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your insights. God bless!
Hi Melissa! You hit the nail on the head when it comes to parenting-consistency. I can tell you are knowledgeable and live out the same principles you share here. Parenting is hard and there is no one way, but I know form my own experience that consistency is the key.
I want to invite you to link up at #TellHisStory. The linkup opens on Tuesdays at 5:00 PM EST and you can find it at mary geisen.com. Jennifer Dukes Lee used to host this linkup. Hope you share your words with us.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Mary. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I make it my priority to ensure that I practice the parenting principles that I recommend and endorse. I can also see in my own children the benefit of when my husband and I provide consistency.
Thank you for the invite to #TellHisStory! God bless!
Melissa, this is sooooo good! I found you from Trekking Thru link up. And so glad I came across this post. Even through the trenches of training a young child, my husband and I keep reminding each other that consistency will pay off, and it does every time!
Thank you, Denise. Yes, and the payoff is a successful adult someday. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Consistency really is key, thank you for the reminder! My husband and I are still trying to find middle ground in each of our disciple techniques.
It can take a while to find that middle ground but the important thing you stated was “are still trying”! Thank you for stopping by, Amanda. God bless!
Powerful post with great reminders! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you, Nicole! I’m glad that you found it beneficial. God bless!
This is such an important topic. I’m learning first hand that consistency in parenting works. It’s hard but the results are clear!
It is hard but the pay off is so great for our children and for the family as a whole. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
Wonderful, practical advice here. I particularly appreciate your comments about consistency, because working toward it clearly benefits both the parents and the child(ren). This is such a great site. Thanks for creating it!
Thank you for your kind words, Ryan! Consistency is one of the main areas I focus on with my therapy families. Thank you for stopping by. God bless!
Good advice Melissa. As parents, we really need to be more consistent. Thanks for the reminders.
Thank you, Aminata! God bless!
Consistency, when there has been a divorce, is one of the most challenging and often neglected points as former spouses compete for control. But I agree it is so important and can help kids adjust to a difficult situation.
So true, Donna. This is an area that I try to help my divorced clients understand and work towards for the benefit of their children. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Parenting is so tough. Consistency is hard to find. I helped my husband raise our children in a blended family too. I think it is important to find agreement with the other parents in a blended family, but sometimes, that is so difficult. Thanks for sharing this valuable resource on the #LMMLinkup this past week.
Yes, adding the component of a blended family makes the dynamic all the more complicated. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
Hi, Melissa. As soon as I read the first few sentences of your post, I knew I was going to enjoy it. There are so many parenting philosophies out there – and they change so often! It’s hard to know what to think! I am very picky when it comes to accepting parenting advice – mostly for that very reason – there is too much ‘advice’ out there…and a lot of it is just ‘fluff-and-stuff’. I appreciate your post because it addresses an essential element in healthy parenting – consistency. Kids need consistency to feel safe and secure. Thanks for sharing on Grace & Truth.
I’m glad you found the post enjoyable and beneficial! It’s so crucial for parents to understand that they may have a wonderful parenting strategy for their children BUT if it’s inconsistent and not well adhered to, it’s not going to help the kids. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless, Aimee!
Consistency is key. Now to lean to God’s strength to help with us being diligent in it! Thanks for sharing at BVNetworkParty Melissa!
Yes, leaning into God’s strength is so necessary! Thank you for stopping by, Kelly. God bless!
Melissa, what a well written piece. I think it’s easy to throw words like “consistency” around when you are talking about parenting, but it is much more difficult to implement. The most important reminder for me is that children are not intentionally defiant, but are testing boundaries. I need to communicate my expectations and remind myself of what they are, too. Thank you for such insightful advice.