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The Importance of Letting Your Kids Fail
I’m an air sucker. It’s a family trait. My mom is an air sucker, too. When we see someone fall, get hurt, do something risky or dangerous, we take a sharp inhalation of breathe.
As a mom, I’ve sucked a lot of air and my kids aren’t even ten! Watching my kids try new things that I know can potentially hurt them, physically or emotionally, can be incredibly uncomfortable.
(I still dislike riding my bike behind my son. It leads to very vivid images of all of the horrendous ways he could crash.)
Helicopter Parents
Helicopter parents means being overprotective and taking an excessive interest in your children’s lives and decisions. The intent is positive and even loving by the parents. But the result for the kids leads to dependency and lack of ability.
I have seen this with some of my adolescent and teenage clients whose parents help them and rescue them from all situations.
And the kids are struggling.
We can see this on a larger societal scale. No more red marks from teachers – the kids might feel bad. Use a more cheerful color. No more keeping score – the kids might feel bad. Everyone gets a participatory ribbon or trophy – we want everyone to feel like a winner.
And our youth and young adults are struggling.
I’m not suggesting we entirely take on a ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ type mentality. But society has swung so far in the opposite direction that we have an epidemic of young adults not knowing how to handle life.
But this is what I know. Our kids NEED to fail sometimes. We have to let them fall. Without experiences of disappointment, let-downs, and even pain they will lose out on valuable lessons.
[ctt template=”9″ link=”zA6yT” via=”no” ]Our kids NEED to fail sometimes. We have to let them fall. Without experiences of disappointment, let-downs, and even pain they will lose out on valuable lessons. [/ctt]
Courage
If a child never has to face hardships or overcome obstacles, there is no need for courage. There becomes the expectation that someone else will do it for them. They can become complacent and entitled.
Even worse, there becomes the belief that they aren’t capable of achieving something on their own. And they remain timid.
Joshua 1:9 (NIV)Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
God called the Israelites to be strong and courageous when going into battle. He reminded them that He would be with them. But guess what? They still had to fight. God delivered the enemies into their hands but they still had to actively participate in the battle.
We have to encourage our children in the same way. We can remind them that we will be there for them and that God will always be with them. But THEY have to actively participate even when the situation seems hard, overwhelming, and scary.
Perseverance
I often meet with kids who struggle with approach/avoidance. That means looking at a situation and deciding if it is something they will approach (do, tackle, take-on) or if it something they are going to avoid. All of us makes this decision multiple times a day.
We (sometimes unknowingly) evaluate if we believe it is a situation or task we can handle. We judge if we believe we have the skill, knowledge, strength, etc. to complete the challenge.
If a child is use to his/her parents doing everything for them or fighting their battles, they won’t approach. They avoid the situations and then they never learn perseverance.
Perseverance is steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.
It hurts to watch our kids be in pain and fail. But we have to encourage their efforts and not rush in to rescue and fix.
Distress Tolerance
One of the top reasons why children and families are in my therapy office is because of an inability to tolerate distress.
Disappointment happens and the child doesn’t know what to do or how to handle it. That leads to sadness and/or anxiety. And that often leads to anger and behaviors.
The parents tend to either placate to the child to alleviate the distress to reprimand the behaviors. But neither one teaches the child how to endure and overcome the distress.
No one likes disappointment but it is a matter of being able to tolerate the experience of negative emotion long enough to then do something about it.
This is why college professors are having parents call and chew them out for their child’s low grade. Our young adults are struggling to handle the distress of life.
Psalm 119:143Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands give me delight.
God doesn’t just rescue us from our plight. We have to seek Him and ask Him for help, guidance, strength, mercy, etc. And even then it is with understanding that He doesn’t always take away the difficulties and the distress. He remains with us while we are enduring and tolerating the distress.
We must do the same for our children when they fail. It’s important that we allow them the opportunity to ask and seek help during their times of distress.
Growth
All of the above characteristics then leads to growth. This is true for our children and us in our everyday life and this is also true of our spiritual journey.
John 15:1-8 (NIV)“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I pray that this post encourages you to allow your children to fail. To encourage them to that ‘yes’ life is hard. But they have you as their cheerleaders and God as their guide. They have the ability to do great things!
God bless!
Melissa
Oh!! I love this! It’s so important in the development of our children. As a new mother to our first born, I started seeing the helicopter habit manifesting. With a bit of help from my husband and a desire to nip it in the bud, I was able to slowly allow our children to learn cause and effect. I’m also an air sucker…it’s incredibly difficult to control this, but the point is, I allowed my child to learn so I’ll take that brisk rush of air. 🙂 It’s encouraging to know that there are parents trying desperately to not be “yes parents”. My children are growing and developing in the same world as other children. I’m comforted to see they will have fellowship with (I pray they have fellowship with) children of similar development.
It’s sad to see how different the children of “yes parents” are in comparison to the children who are raised to experience expectations and disappointments. The “yes parents” are well intended but it really is holding their children back in the long-run. I also pray that my children find other individuals who have been raised in the same manner. Thank you for reading and sharing your experiences. God bless!
Yeeeeeees. I’m not an air sucker. I’m more of a whisper yeller.
Ha!! I’m sure I have participated in that as well! Thank you for stopping by, Amy! God bless!
Wonderful wisdom as always. God bless you Melissa! Keep it up for Him, and the children, especially…….
Thank you Tammy! Your encouragement is always a warm welcome! God bless!
IT IS DEF VERY IMPORTANT IN THERE DEVELOPMENT AND GROWTH
So true. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. God bless!
This post is a must-read for every mother.Indeed we cannot claim to love our children better than the way God loves us.If God can allow hard times to come our way so that we learn how to persevere and become better Christians then we must learn from him how to handle our children.
God bless you for this wonderful piece.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, we must follow God’s lead on how He parents us! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Oh my! I am a helicopter Mom for sure. I know that I can not control all situations, but I tend to hover over them in all situations lol. I am particular about who they hang with, who they stay with and I monitor everything. Some think this is a bad thing, but I truly want to protect my kiddos. I know that they are Gods and he will take care of them, I just have to watch over them too.
Ha! Keisha, I love that you can acknowledge this. And protective is not a bad thing. It’s also appropriate to monitor who they are with and what they are seeing/doing. I’m talking more about not allowing our children to experience distress of any kind. And turning the family’s focus toward the happiness of the child. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I do agree with this. I think the reason that we shelter out kids sometimes is that we over identify with them. Their aches and pains are my aches and pains sometimes. Have to let them stand on their own t feet because they have to do it for a lifetime.
Very true, Alice. I feel all of my kids pain – emotional and physical. It’s ensuring we allow them the experience of knowing what to do with the pain. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Gosh, I guess I’m an air sucker too and it drives my husband bananas!
It’s hard to find the balance in parenting with this, allowing independence and then not too much.
Great post, Melissa!
Welcome to the club! Ha! Yes, finding balance is hard to do. We want to protect and shelter but we know we have to relinquish the control and reigns, too. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. God bless!
Understanding the importance of letting our kids struggle and sometimes fail lingers into their adulthood. There will always be new lessons to learn in life. I have to respect them enough to let them figure things out and not feel like I need to jump in with “wisdom” or “advice.” Not that advice is bad, but I want to wait to be asked. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for adding this Lori! Yes, this translates into adulthood, too. This is a difficult parenting process all throughout life. Thank you again for sharing your insight. God bless!
YYYEEESSSS!!! Can I say that any louder haha!
Haha! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you for stopping by and sharing our agreement. 🙂 God bless!
Letting our kids fail isn’t easy, but you are right, it is so important. It’s better that they fail while we are there to help them back up, to support them through it, than for them to fail when they are out on their own with no one to guide them. Helicopter parenting doesn’t make good adults, it makes big kids. One of the best pieces of parenting advice I ever received was to remember that I wasn’t raising children, I was raising future adults. I needed to let them have a childhood, but to prepare them for adulthood. And yes, you can do both at the same time.
That is great advice (and I actually have a post scheduled to address this next week!) We absolutely can do both at the same time. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
It’s amazing how love can create bad side effects, especially when not given appropriately! That’s why we learn how to love from God, so that we can avoid being too involved or not involved enough in our kids’ lives. It’s great that you provide the professional side of what goes on because more parents need to understand what can lead to anxiety and other issues in children, and to rely on God in order to give the right kind of love and care so that they can have healthy, functioning adults someday!
Yes, we can become clouded by love and allow it to drive our parenting in ways other than how God has designed. In all things we need to look to God, parenting is definitely no different. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and insights. God bless!
This. This is exactly what is going on currently, and the ramifications are going to be disastrous. Thank you for pointing out what we need to buck this trend and teach our children how to make decisions and learn from the outcomes, whether they are good or bad.
The ramifications are going to be disastrous. It appears to stem from the shift in family hierarchy. Somewhere along the line, the children have been placed higher than the marriage and the parents. That has led to a greater focus on happiness that parenting. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I hated failure growing up. I’m trying to reframe it for myself, and I definitely don’t want my kids to feel the way I did. I LOVE this video from the creator of Spanx.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZEPbyIA8XI
What a great video! Thank you so much for sharing it with me. Yes, I absolutely want my kids to learn to celebrate and learn from their failures. Thank you for stopping by and again for sharing the video! God bless!