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The Importance of Boundaries Within Your Marriage – Part Three: Who Else You Spend Time With
This post is part three in a series of four. The first two posts focus on boundaries pertaining to interactions with your spouse. The last two will focus on boundaries pertaining to relationships and interactions outside of your marriage.
Who else you spend time with
Friends and support systems are important for people to have. We were created to be relational and social. At the same time, friends can cause rifts between marriages. And in worst case scenarios lead to affairs.
Some friendships were established prior to the marriage and have strong roots and connections. That can cause spouses to struggle with jealousy and/or resentment.
I can guarantee that in every marriage there is at least one friend that a spouse doesn’t/didn’t really like. If not addressed, these relationships can become a festering sore spot.
The point of this series is to help couples have the conversation about boundaries and establish their comfort levels. As well as areas where they need to come together and/or grow.
So let’s look at the different friends spouses have and the potential questions to work through. Recognize that this conversation could potentially lead to tension and/or disagreements! Make sure that the conversation is being had during a calm time, when emotions are not already heightened.
Same-sex friends
- What are your thoughts of your spouses friends from high school and/or college?
- Do you feel comfortable with your spouse spending time with his/her co-workers?
- Are there any friends of your spouse that you don’t like? Don’t trust? Don’t feel comfortable with your spouse spending time with? Why?
What you do together and when
- How often do you want to spend time with your friends?
- Do you feel your spouse spends too much time with their friends?
- Are you comfortable with the amount of time your spouse interacts with his/her friends while at home? (texting, phone calls, social media)
- Are there places you are not comfortable with your spouse going to with friends? (bars, out dancing, strip clubs)
Opposite-sex friends
Opposite-sex friendships can be tumultuous for marriages. Jealousy can take place. Resentment. Unintended emotions can develop.
The book Anatomy of an Affair by Dave Carder is a brilliant book in dealing with understanding and setting boundaries so that relationships don’t cross lines. Opposite-sex relationships can be a dangerous territory if boundaries are not established or taken seriously.
- What is your comfort level with your spouse connecting/interacting with opposite-sex friendships from high school/college?
- Are you okay with your spouse spending time with an opposite-sex co-worker? In what situations?
- Do you have a different comfort level if the opposite-sex friend is married versus single?
- Are there any opposite-sex relationships in your spouse’s life that you don’t like? Don’t trust? Don’t want your spouse to spend time with? Why?
What you do together and when
- Do you feel your spouse spends too much time with a friend of the opposite-sex?
- Are you okay with your spouse connecting with a person of the opposite-sex on electronic devices?
- What is your expectation of your spouse to share messages and/or interactions he/she has had with members of the opposite-sex? (show text message conversations, let spouse know about topics of conversations)
- Is there a relationship that you feel jealous of? Why?
- Are there places you are not comfortable with your spouse going to with an opposite-sex friend? (bars, dinner, movies,
I pray this post guides conversations between you and your spouse to set boundaries to encourage a loving and healthy marriage.
Boundaries Within Your Marriage
Part One: How You Interact With Each Other
Part Two: How You Spend Time Together
Part Three: Who Else You Spend Time With
Part Four: What You Share With Your Friends
God bless!
Melissa
Great questions to ask. It’s so important to protect our marriages because Satan will try to work into anything he can. The older I get the more important I realize how innocent friendships with the opposite sex can cause major problems in marriages.
It is the innocent relationships that can be the most devastating because guards can be down. These are necessary questions to ask each other to safeguard the marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Great talking points! They can be hard and awkward, but honestly, I’d rather awkward than devastating because of the fallout from avoiding the discussion!!
Absolutely. They are difficult conversations but they are so important! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is such an excellent topic. While I was always in the camp of people having friends of the opppsite sex I do not because i respect my wife and love her to where I would rather make her happy and respect her wishes. Also on the topic of friends she has that I do not like. She has this one friend who talks non stop for hours it seems and the more I said how annoying she was my wife said to suck it up she’s my friend. So I casually mentioned how pretty she was and I never saw that woman again (ok this didn’t happen but I am debating whether I should do it). But for real great post and valid points.
Ha! Oh my goodness! I wonder if you shared with your wife why her friends talking non-stop is difficult for you – taking time away that the two of you could be sharing – would be a better approach?! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience! God bless!
Very wise advice and great questions to consider!! I am pondering them now!
Thank you Danielle. They are questions that make you stop and think. Too often we don’t have these types of conversations with our spouse because we either don’t think about it or we think the conversation would be too uncomfortable. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
My husband and I are in the season where we do not have any friends or family around us. It is sad at times during holidays.
So I have no one to hang out with and the only ones have are virtual blogger friends right now .
That can be a hard season. My husband and I have lived away from family on two different occasions totaling eleven years. It’s only been in the past two years that we have been back in the same state.
I’m also sure there are many bloggers who are happy to call you friend! 🙂
These are really good questions to think about and even discuss with your spouse to ensure a happy marriage. God bless you for sharing.
I’m glad you found the post beneficial. My hope is that it helps couples to safeguard their marriage from unnecessary pain and spiritual attacks. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Amazing article! I especially love the part about opposite sex friendships. As a newly married couple we are still learning how to navigate those relationships, thanks !
I’m so glad that the post was beneficial for you! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless you and your marriage!
When a couple gets married, they are saying that they will not spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. There is no reason to get into a situation where your marriage will be destroyed just because of sheer stupidity. And if we love our spouse the most of all enough to marry them, we should show it in our hearts and actions.
We should show it in our hearts and actions. Many people become misled by worldly views and beliefs. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts and insights. God bless!
Thank you for pointing out the questions to ask and how to approach it and talk it out with our spouses.
This series has been great!
Thank you Julie! This one can get potentially heated as we are talking about friendships and relationships but it is so important to have. Nothing and no one should get in between you and your spouse! Thank you for stopping by and sharing words of encouragement! God bless!
This post is great and has a lot of very honest questions that all couples need to address. Boundaries are so super important in marriage. I pray for the Holy Spirit to give wisdom and discretion to us all in choosing friends that help better our marriage and not be a threat in any way! Thank you for this wonderful post!! Donna 🙂
I second your wonderful prayer! We allow friends to share a space in our lives so we need to be very careful with who they are and the character they have! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your insights! God bless!
A hot topic, but great examples of questions to ask each other so that a healthy boundary is set! My husband and I decided from the git-go that we would not have opposite sex friends. It was easy and natural for us to respect each other and this co-boundary. It was also pretty natural for us to establish “Our Marriage Comes First” boundary with same-sex friends. Most of the friends I have made as an adult, also have spouses. Your post is so important for every single marriage to address! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Katie! We also have a ‘no opposite sex’ friend rule. And we’ve made sure that if co-workers are opposite sex that certain boundaries are put in place. These are just appropriate guardrails to establish in the marriage to make sure that we always stay intact and healthy! Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
Such great topics and questions to talk about in marriage. I know that at times this is hard because they are friends but I have found that once certain lines are crossed it can ruin relationships :/ Thanks for sharing these!
This can be very hard and uncomfortable conversations at times but so important. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Great questions to ask one another! It’s important that we have friends outside of the marriage. My husband and I don’t have too many friends but we don’t keep each other from seeing them. 🙂
It’s an important balance to manage. The marriage needs to be put first but that doesn’t mean friends can’t be a part of the equation. They just need to be good influences. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
Good questions to ask. I think this is even harder today, where young adults hang out in groups and have so many friends. And the connections on social media can lead to another whole world of problems. My spouse and I both came into the marriage with the attitude that our opposite sex contact is limited. We hang out in a group with both sexes or with other couples. When we hang out with our own friends it is always same sex. I just think that avoids a lot of problems. Thanks for taking the time to do this series. I think it offers good guide lines and things to think and talk about with a spouse. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
It is a bit different now with younger couples. They have tend to bring into the marriage more friendships and relationships that need to be discussed. People can be defensive of their friends but sometimes struggle to realize they are not positive for the marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and insights. God bless!
i’m surprised at how many couples don’t talk about these things. I appreciated the things you pointed out – a list to go over with your spouse. We have our set rules that we’ve discussed, and while it might be different than what others do, it’s made us very comfortable and trusting in our relationship. Great post!
And that’s really the important part is that you have the discussion with your spouse. It doesn’t have to look cookie cutter because no marriage is cookie cutter but you need to be on the same page for for the marriage to thrive. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Melissa, this is a very important topic that needs to be discussed in every marriage. Especially if one spouse has expectations for the other. Thanks for taking the time to write this out and being real with everyone, and guiding others to set boundaries. (Hopping over from Jamie Wiebel’s link up)
It is an important topic that I think gets skipped over all too often. We can become defensive and protective of our friendships but fail to recognize how they can help or hinder our marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Great questions to ask ourselves and one another to set godly boundaries in marriage. Only so that we don’t let other people have the bridle to run our marriage
That is absolutely the reason to have these conversations. Too often I have seen friendships guide the course of a marriage. Either intentionally or unintentionally by the actions and advice they give and do. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!