Attachment Disorders – Understanding Their Desire To Control
As a Christian mental health therapist, I have worked with hundreds of adopted children and children who have been in the foster care system. It is a topic that God has placed near and dear to my heart! At the same time, these children and stories are the hardest to hear and help. There is always hope but the road is long, winding, and at times met with wrong-turns and lost ways.
It takes a special person and family to take in children and offer love and protection. I truly believe this is a calling from God for some individuals.
What I also have come to experience is there is not nearly enough information and training to help equip adoptive parents and foster parents to understand and care for these children in the ways that they need.
Many children who are adopted or in the foster care system have attachment issues or a full attachment disorder. This is not a choice but rather how their brain has become wired to view the world.
For greater information on what is attachment and attachment disorders please refer to my post Information You Must Know as an Adoptive Parent: A Therapist’s Guide to Attachment Disorders. That really is the necessary starting point to understanding the significant struggles foster children and adoptive children potentially struggle with.
Following that post, I urge you to read When Love is Skewed, which will help you understand how a child with attachment issues views love.
Today’s post I want to focus on control.
Anyone’s desire for control
The definition of control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.
Control tends to happen for two reasons.
Feeling out of control in other areas
The vast majority of society wants to feel in control of their life. When aspects become out of our control people can start grasping as other areas of their life to influence or direct.
Believing we know more
The second reason people tend to control others is because they believe they know more than the people around them. This may be accurate given certain circumstances. Parents to children. Teachers to students. Bosses to workers.
But the truth about control is that we only actually have control over ourselves. This realization often comes following failed attempts at getting others to do what we want and maturity. We can guide people and situations but we don’t actually have the ability to change and alter anyone outside of ourselves.
Understanding control in children with attachment disorders
We can look at the desire to control for these children through the same lens as everyone else, however, there needs to be the recognition that the urge is going to be more intense. And the children may not even realize they are jockeying for control. Or they might, but don’t understand why.
The vast majority of these children’s lives have been out of their control and often time unstable, chaotic, and/or unsafe.
Once in an environment that is more predictable and healthy the urge to take back control can ramp up. This can be seen in behaviors such as testing limits, arguing, demanding, and bargaining/negotiating. (Again, these are not atypical behaviors of some other children but the intensity and reason driving the behavior is bigger for children with attachment issues.)
Children with attachment issues also often believe they know more than their foster parents and/or adoptive parents. This can pertain to themselves, their siblings (if in placement together), or the world in general.
I’ve heard many times, “You/they don’t know me/us”. I’ve seen this most often in children who were privy to worldly situations far beyond their years and then they get placed in a loving Christian home with appropriate boundaries. The backlash can come in forms of insults such as sheltered, naive, controlling, strict, prudes, dumb, stupid and boring.
Ways to support
This can be a difficult balance for foster/adoptive parents. Saying things such as, “Your biological parents shouldn’t have…” can create defensiveness within the child because there often remains loyalty. Do your best to not outright compare.
I recommend to foster/adoptive parents to provide explanations and rationales for their rules, expectations, and boundaries. (Actually I believe this is good parenting for all children but especially true for foster/adoptive children).
This process helps to foster trust in you and develop critical thinking skills.
I also recommend foster/adoptive parents allow the children to make as many choices as they are able within the rules and expectations of the house.
Examples include:
- Do you want _______ or ______ for school lunch?
- You have to clean ________ and ________ it doesn’t matter which one you do first.
- Homework needs to get finished first but then you can do _______, _______, or _______.
External Locus of Control
External locus of control is a therapy term describing when a person believes their success/failure, behaviors, and even life as a whole are outside of their control and ability.
This person views the world as happening to them rather than them being an active participant in their own life. They don’t believe they have control of anything.
This line of thinking can then lead to “it’s never going to change” and “there’s nothing I can do”. It’s a very defeatist and victim mentality.
An external locus of control can develop in people who have endured significant trauma but also in people who have had multiple negative experiences, disappointments, and let-downs in life. So it is not exclusive to children with attachment issues but often occurs.
Individuals who struggle with external locus of control often are unable to acknowledge responsibility for their actions. Because, again, they believe the world is happening to them, and they are merely responding.
Ways to support
I will teach the children I work with, as well as the foster/adoptive parents, how to be behavioral chain analysis. This is a fancy term for walking through situations step-by-step to show how a person may have effected others and what other potential outcomes could have been.
For example:
Tommy complains that Bobby punched him. I would ask, “Back me up. What happened before that?” (Please don’t say, “What did you do to him?” That will just lead to defensiveness and cause your child to shut down.) You can continue to asking, “What happened before that?” as many times as you need to get a full story. Then you can start to ask, “What do you think would have happened if you would have…”
This helps individuals realize how they can and are able to control their own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It also takes time. Please be patient!
Remember the life your foster/adoptive child has endured was not the way God intended children to experience life. These children didn’t choose their life situation and their understanding of the world is not the same as someone born into a safe and loving home. Change is not going to happen overnight!
For other topics on attachment disorders visit the Attachment Issues tab under Parenting at the top of the page.
I pray that this article has provided greater information into the world of attachment issues.
God bless!
Melissa
What a helpful resource! I would agree, fostering or adopting certainly do seem like a wonderful call from God for many!
Thank you Hannah. It is a calling that can come with tremendous difficulties. My desire is to help the process in any way I can. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Very very informative! I will be sharing with a few friends that are working towards being a foster parent. Also, your post has very applicable truth… we can not control people and circumstances around us. However, we can control our actions and thoughts! Thanks for another great post, Melissa!
Thank you Katie! It is so true. We often have to be reminded that our only control in of ourselves. That can be a hard pill to swallow at times! Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
It makes sense that if a child’s life feels out of control, they would want to figure out how to regain control of their lives.
It does make sense when it is viewed in this light. However, often times the behavior is just viewed as ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ without recognition of where or why it is taking place. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
So insightful !! Wisdom on top of wisdom! Though I am through the roughest part of parenting ( I think, besides “letting go”) I am still interested in this…….. It will apply to me as a grandparent having kids in my care as well, and maybe I can use it in counseling (informally) a friend raising children someday. Right now, I am e-mailing the link to this article to one of my heroes, a CASA advocate who works in the best interest for someone I love and many others………. Thank you Melissa!!
Thank you Tammy! Seeking information from great therapists in the attachment field, experience, and God’s guidance has been the most important aspects in helping me understand and support this population. Your support and encouragement continues to bless me! Thank you!
What a helpful article! Do you have any conversation tactics for helping those struggling with external locus of control? I am mentoring someone that is severely inhibited by this, and my 9-year-old, who went through 18 months of medical testing when she was very young, also struggles with this. I’m guessing the conversation would look similar whether conversing with a child or an adult??? Feel free to connect by other means if that is better!
Thank you Malinda! The behavioral chain analysis I described is helpful for external locus of control. This can be done on paper or verbally. You also can help walk the person through their actions and reactions to situations and how that may have lead to the results. Another process is teaching SODAS – which helps with problem solving and shows them they have control of their own decisions. S-situation – name the situation; O-options – what are all of the potential ways of handling the situations; D-disadvantages – look at each option and talk about the disadvantage to that option; A-advantages – look at each option and talk about the advantages; S-solution – which option is the best choice. Thank you for reading and for reaching out. Please let me know if you would like any further information. God bless!
Thank you for the SODAS tip! I haven’t heard that one before, and I KNOW it will come in handy!
You’re welcome! God bless you and the ones you are supporting!
Thanks for speaking into this void. My heart hurts for children who don’t know they are loved.
I feel very humbled to be able to participate in these children’s lives but it can also be incredibly painful to witness. It is a topic that needs to be discussed. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
I love your tactic of asking “What happened before that?” We have two adopted children who are grown now. What a great resource you are providing families.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Amy! It’s an honor to help any family that I can. God bless!
I myself have struggled with control in my life so I can certainly understand. The knowledge you share from your experience is so valuable. Though I don’t know anything about fostering or adopting I can see how this can be pertinent information for anyone who has or is.
Thank you for your kind words ALyssa! As I stated in the article, many of the issues for control are no different for adoptive children as anyone else, it just tends to be more intense. My hope is that knowledge helps others to better understand and have empathy for the children who have endured traumatic lives. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Melissa, thank you for sharing your wisdom here. As an adoptive mom, a lot of what you say resonates. I so appreciate your perspective and your insight. I’m taking things you’ve shared and looking at how we need to implement/change a few things with our boys.
Great post!
Jeanne I appreciate hearing that the post resonates. Thank you for adopting children in need! Not everyone is capable of doing so for various reasons. It is an endless job that is often thankless and taken for granted. Thank you again for reading and commenting. God bless!
A very interesting topic, Melissa! I’m going to read the other articles you linked! I’m wondering if it’s possible to have this disorder even if you’re not adopted or a foster child, but from living in an unhealthy environment growing up?
Yes, Julie, attachment disorders are not specific to foster care or adoption but are often seen in that population. Attachment issues can happen when the living environment is unstable, chaotic, unpredictable, inconsistent, neglectful, multiple care providers, and/or abusive to the child or the child is witness to. Please let me know if you have any questions after reading the other articles.
Amazing information in this post! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on this subject. I’m recently reading and finding out more on this subject. It truly breaks my heart to hear how hard it is for some children and for some foster/adoptive parents. This is a great resource.
Thank you Sasha! It’s an important topic to be informed about for anyone who interacts, volunteers, or cares for children who have lived in unhealthy/dysfunctional home environments. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Such valuable information. We often overlook the real consequences of trauma anx bonding in the lives of children.
And all too often the resulting behaviors aren’t viewed within context of what they have endured and how that has long lasting ramifications. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
Great insight here. Really appreciate your perspective as a therapist. One gentle note I want to make – my oldest son came to our family via adoption, and we have an open relationship with his birthmother and her family. We frequently engage in honest and open discussion about how our family situation came to be. Though I can’t presume he’ll never experience any sense of loss or grief regarding his adoption, he has a solid foundation of love to help him navigate any potential future issues. All of that to say what I’m sure you know: not all adoptees deal with attachment disorders, and some come from safe and loving birth families who chose adoption not out of desperation, but to grant their children different experiences than they could’ve provided. And I definitely agree that all families could use greater education and resources to help guide our children to live happy and healthy lives.
Jennifer I wholeheartedly agree and I’m glad commented! There is certainly not a direct correlation between attachment disorders and adoption. I wish the relationship you describe with your oldest son took place more often! There are also many people who struggle with attachment issues who lived with their biological parents until adulthood. Unfortunately, I don’t often get to meet with these individuals until they are older for various reasons. Thank you again for reading and sharing your family experience. God bless!
Very informative post for fostering parenting. But, I loved the information you provide on the topic of control as well. Often times in my life I have tired to control situations that were uncontrollable. After maturing, I no longer have that tendency
I’m glad the information was beneficial for you as well. Spiritual, emotional, and mental maturity help to see the world with more clarity. Thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Thank you for sharing this with us! I know it is helpful for sooo many!
Thank you Marie. And thank you for reading and commenting! God bless!
Dear Melissa
Thank you for your latest post “Attachment Disorders – Understanding Their Desire To Control.”
I’m glad you’ve listened to God and chosen to work with these children even though as you say, “the road is long, winding, and at times met with wrong-turns and lost ways.”
You have a point worth considering for the authorities when you say there is too little information for adoptive parents and foster parents.
I took some inspiring points from your elaboration on the control-concept.
My favourite point was the second reason you gave: People believe we know more than the people around us. I am also a victim of this, and sometimes it’s hurting us to be unaware of this mechanism.
Blog post content like this will help new adoptive parents and should be put in front of the right audience so they can take advantage of it.
I’ll share on Social Media!
With respect!
Edna Davidsen
Thank you Edna for your thoughtful takeaways and comments. Children with attachment issues may have more intense emotions and difficulties but the areas of struggles are not much different than anyone else. Thank you again Edna for reading and commenting! God bless!
I’m so glad that I found your blog! I previously worked as a therapist for young children, particularly those who had experienced trauma. Despite my experience, I still found myself struggling when I became a mom through adoption to a toddler 6 months ago! Being a momma is so different as I find myself second guessing everything. This was a great post on control, and a good reminder for me to increase the choices I give my son.
Being a momma IS so different! I’m glad you found the article beneficial. During down times (not that you have a lot of those with a toddler) try to view your son through the analytical lens of a therapist. Even write up a conceptualization or case notes. This can be beneficial to take the emotion out of the situation to guide your parenting skills. Sometimes in the moment we are too close. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless you and your family’s journey!
This is such good information. I appreciate that you not only describe it with examples but give tips on how to help.
I’m glad the tips were beneficial. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
This is an incredible resource! My husband and I have just begun to discuss fostering and I look forward to sharing this with him. Thank you!
Good for you guys! Our country is in desperate need of more foster homes who have a love for children and a willingness to seek education and support. Please reach out if you would like any further information outside of my posts! Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
What a touching post. I had 3 nieces in foster care and in and out of their biological home and this makes so much sense. I will pray for children who are victims in this. My heart goes out to them.
I’m glad the post brought some clarity. It’s a difficult topic. Not all children who are adopted or in foster care struggle with attachment issues but it is such a high probability that it is important for people to understand and know about. Thank you for stopping by and commenting! God bless!
A very important topic. I have family in the process of adopting. Thanks for sharing on the #LMMLinkup this week. I can’t wait to read more on your topics.
God bless your family in their adoption journey! Thank you for such kind words and for stopping by! It’s my pleasure to linkup on your site!