The person you chose to connect your life to is a living, breathing, creation of God. He delights in your spouse!
While we know that to be true, how often do we think or act differently in our day to day life? How often are we actually treating our spouse like a thing rather than as a person?
Don’t treat your spouse like a thing
Person – is to be loved, no matter what VS Thing – may be used
Love is an active choice for the other person. No matter the situation we are called to love our spouse. That is our covenant between God and the person we married.
Whether we look to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 or the traditional marriage vows, all aspects are on how we give love to the other person. Not how we are receiving love.
When love is viewed as circumstantial it is based off of “what am I getting out of it.” Or how is it benefiting me. Meaning we end up using our spouse for the love we are receiving. Our spouse then turns into a thing to be used to get our needs met.
But our spouse is not meant to be the one to fill our needs.
Person – is to be respected VS Thing – can be controlled
Respect is to admire someone or something deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. That means acknowledging our spouse for who he/she is and focusing on their positive qualities.
To control or to manipulate is the desire to change, alter, and/or move something in the way that we want. Far too often people get married with the belief they can “change” their spouse. That thought process alters the perception of the spouse from a person to a thing that they are able to control.
While we should help encourage the growth process of our spouse. It should always be for their benefit not ours. And we are to be the supporters in the process. Not the one forcing the change.
Person – makes his/her own choices VS Thing – has no choice
This can be as benign as nagging a spouse to complete a chore. Or this can be far worse in not allowing your spouse to make the simplest of decisions.
Either way, the perception is driven by the same thought. You don’t believe your spouse is worthy of making choices and decisions. Even if this is subconscious. The view is that you’re choice and decision is superior to theirs. Your timeline is better. Your way of doing things is better. You are better.
You have placed your thoughts and views above your spouse and reduced them to something you get to demand of them.
Person – is free VS Thing – has no freedom
Free will is something God gave us so that we could actively choose Him. If we didn’t have free will, our love couldn’t be viewed as genuine.
This hold true in our marriages as well. Threats removes freedom in your marriage. Statements such as:
- “If you don’t…I’ll divorce you”
- “…I won’t have sex with you.”
- “…I’ll hurt you.”
- “…I’ll tell your…”
The ultimatum will either enslave your spouse or cause you to lose them. Neither is a positive situation.
Person – is mysterious VS Thing – can be labeled
God made each of us unique and different. Meaning our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are different than anyone else’s. We are mysterious and meant to be explored, discovered and understood.
When we place a label on our spouse we confine them to a box. We make the assumption that we know all there is to know about our spouse. (You know what they say about assumptions.)
Notice the difference:
My spouse is an angry person. My spouse has anger issues.
The first is defining and labeling your spouse. The second is acknowledging an aspect of your spouse. They are more than just their anger.
Person – has feelings VS Thing – has no feelings
As stated above. Each one of us was created uniquely. Based upon our temperament and life experiences, our thoughts lead to feelings. While we as told not to always trust our feelings, they are real.
Feelings are one of the things that separates us from things. When our spouse’s feelings are not validated, we are stating they are less than. To validate is to demonstrate or support the truth or value of.
Here’s the thing. You don’t even have to agree with the emotion. Just acknowledge that your spouse is experiencing it.
You can say something along the lines of, “I can see you are…” That one statement shows you are recognizing and validating the feelings they are having.
Don’t Treat Your Spouse Like A Thing
I pray that this post gives you pause to evaluate your thoughts and behaviors towards your spouse.
Which one of these areas is the hardest for you? Let me know in the comments below.
God bless!
Melissa
p.s. Check out all of the beautiful sites I linkup with!
This is really insightful, especially the chart. In most marriages that I know, the husband is treating his wife like a thing. Everything on that chart is on the negative side.
That is so sad that your experience of marriages is so negative. There really needs to be so much education and healing in marriage! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and experiences. God bless!
Woah! “When love is viewed as circumstantial it is based off of “what am I getting out of it.” Or how is it benefiting me. Meaning we end up using our spouse for the love we are receiving. Our spouse then turns into a thing to be used to get our needs met.” What a dangerous state to be in if there isn’t a quick realization and self-examination towards our marriage. Great post.
It is a dangerous place to be in for a marriage. Once a spouse has taken this perceptive deep hurt takes place. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
excellent! will link!
Thank you Sue! God bless!
Great post on persons vs things. We are each uniquely created in God’s image and we need to take time to see our spouses in that light. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
It is such an important reminder in our marriage. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts, Amy! God bless!
We are self-centered creatures aren’t we? I think we do this to people so much more than we realize… evidenced mainly by how irritated and upset we get when they don’t act the way we want them too. If we turn the tables and think how we would feel if treated the way we treat others, then it would certainly be an eye-opener! Thanks!
So very true Karen! We interact with others very much based off of our desires. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is a very timely post. I struggle with many of the issues talked about. This is good for self reflection. I have a long way to go in my marriage. Thank you!
I’m glad that you found it beneficial. Self-reflection is important for growth and change. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Great insights. It’s so easy to get into bad habits in marriage instead of working to cultivate your relationship with your spouse. Love the chart you made, very helpful!
Thank you Rebekah! I’m glad that you found the post beneficial. God bless!
Thank you for explaining this! I have treated my husband as a thing many times. I think remembering that the Savior delights in him changes my perspective!
Thanks Julie! I also like the perspective Gary Thomas takes in his book, Livelong Love – to think of God as your Father-in-Law! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
It always surprises me how spouses treat one another. I’m not blameless by any stretch; but, I always have in my mind that this is my other half. Together we are whole. Two became one. So, why would I hurt, ignore, or spite myself?
Yes, I think of my husband as my other half as well. We are the whole that is supposes to be an example of Christ’s love for the Church. I want that example to be a great one for any and all people. Thank you, Erin! God bless!
Such wisdom! If we aren’t careful with our hearts in marriage, we can move toward treating our spouses like…objects. I think it’s easier and more common than we think! Thanks for the wonderful reminder!
Unfortunately, it is far too common. In marriage and truthfully in any and all relationships. Our society has significantly shifted the understanding and ideas about how to treat people. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
There is such truth here! Our kids need to see healthy marriages modeled.
Yes, very much so! We learn how to be married primarily from what we witnessed in our own home. Unless we actively choose to do marriage different. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!