This post is part two of our suicide posts and part of the larger series ‘addressing the tough stuff.’ In part one, I focused on the understanding of why suicide happens. In this post, I will address how to react if your child is suicidal.
Here’s a list of other tough stuff topics that I have addressed or will be in the future:
- How to talk to your kids about sex
- Talking to your child about inappropriate touching.
- Talking to your child about pornography
- Self-harming Part 1 – Understanding why it happens
- Self-harming Part 2 – How to react if your child self-harms
- Suicide Part 1 – Understanding why it happens
- Suicide Part 2 – As a parent how to react if your child is suicidal
- Talking to your teens about drinking
- Talking to your teens about drugs
- How to teach your teens to follow their values – Part One
- How to teach your teens to follow their values -Part Two …And not be judgmental
Envisioning yourself as a parent ever having to deal with your child experiencing suicidal thoughts and attempts is horrifying.
I recognize that and I’m sorry to elicit those emotions in you.
At the same time, it is so important that you are equipped to handle this situation if it ever arises. I pray that it never occurs.
Stay Calm
As I described in the post on responding to self-harming behavior, I can assure you; this would not be your natural response. Your natural reaction would be to freak out a bit. Fear mixed with confusion often turns to anger.
I promise you, yelling is not beneficial in this situation. It only leads to increased shame by the child. And a greater feeling that they can’t talk to you about their emotions and thoughts. When your child is suicidal, the most important thing is to ensure they feel comfortable talking to you about their thoughts and feelings.
However, there is also a concern of responding too empathetically. Providing an increased response of compassion, support, and love at the moment may reinforce the secondary gain of attention.
Meaning, if the child was struggling with feeling loved and cared for, the increased emotional response from the parents and friends, may increase and reinforce the desire to discuss a desire to kill themselves. The faulty thought process being that talking about suicide is a way to receive love. That can turn into a dangerous cycle and one we don’t want to happen.
Emotionally Neutral
That means responding matter-of-factly. Calmly assess the situation and the safety of your child.
At the moment is not the time for a big heart to heart. Unless you and your child routinely have a heart to heart conversations, we don’t want to provide secondary gain as explained above.
Seek support
If your child has attempted suicide or is describing suicidal thoughts and plans, it is necessary and warranted to take them to the emergency room. They will then be able to help you assess the immediate safety risks of the situation.
You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Following the event, find a mental health professional to help your child (and you) navigate this situation.
My role as the therapist is to help the child understand why it happened. That usually includes breaking down a whole lot of lies and building up self-worth. Identifying the triggers that led to the suicidal thoughts and behaviors. And ways to more appropriately handle and manage the emotional distress.
Again, as I discussed in part one, the reason for suicide is to eliminate and alleviate pain. Killing themselves feels like the only way to be rid of the suffering. Once a person understands that there are other options they can then work through the pain – albeit a long process.
Don’t punish
Do not punish your child for the suicidal thoughts, behaviors, or attempts!
Complete a Safety Assessment of Your House
Based upon your child’s suicide plan, ensure that your house has decreased access to means for killing themselves.
- Firearms – have all of them in a gun safe or with gun locks. (Ideally not with keys as they can be looked for and found.)
- Medication – put both over the counter and prescription medications in a lock-box of some kind. (The same may need to be true for household cleaners.)
- Knives/razors – lock cabinets or get a lock-box.
- Hanging – check shower rods and closet rods to see if they would bear weight.
*Please note, there is no way that your house can become void of all dangers, however, if your child has identified a specific plan it is vital to decrease that ability.
Increase scheduled connection time with your child
How has your interaction and connection been with your child lately? (As described in the self-harming post, I do not bring this up to blame. Please don’t read it that way.) I am just saying they may need more of you. Even if you were not at all a reason why they were suicidal in the first place. They may need more of your love and support.
Find ways to connect and spend quality one-on-one time with your child that is regularly scheduled.
I pray this post helps you to feel equipped to help your child if they ever experience suicidal thoughts or have an attempt.
Also please let me know in the comments below of any other “tough stuff” topic you would like me to address to help you have discussions with your children.
God bless!
Melissa
p.s. Check out all of the beautiful sites I link up with!
Sound advice! I like the part about not yelling or punishing the child. Keep up the good work, Melissa!
Thank you, Edith. I’m glad you found the post beneficial. God bless!
As the child of a suicide victim, and as one who has struggled with and I’m finally walking in victory over self-harm and suicidal ideations, events, and even a successful one where they brought me back from the dead, I wholy concur with your steps listed in thiwls blog. I’m not a therapist, but I am an advocate. So often parents are just told oh they’re just doing it to get attention and they take it personal and then, the worst possible thing, they call their Bluff. My mother would still be here if her siblings and priest had not decided to call her Bluff after I got married and moved away. She succeeded one month after my wedding.
Because I was taught by my mother that suicide was a one-way ticket out of pain, I inadvertently taught my children about suicide. Every one of the girls has had thoughts, but by God’s grace, I was also able to show them someone fighting those thoughts with the truth! Because of the false thoughts in my head, I strove to build a strong set of Truth in their hearts towards themselves. And I tried so hard to make it so that they could talk to me.
This series that you have written, I pray that it will save lives, heal hearts, and connect families!
Thank you, Christine, for sharing your experience. Suicide, far too often, does get viewed as a solution to a problem. Calling a person’s bluff is a very dangerous view. God bless you and your family.
This is such an important and heavy topic that needs to be talked about with our kids. We live in a broken world and it’s tough as a parent to teach them the reality of how broken it is with out people not knowing how much Christ loves them.
So true Mihaela! It is important that our children know that Christ loves them and how much the world does not – even if it claims to. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
The first reaction is not to be calm, that’s for sure – thank you for your careful counsel. Such a scary topic. But so glad you addressed it.
Thank you, Sue. I’m glad you found the post beneficial. God bless!
Praise God for you. I have an adult child who has considered suicide on numerous occasions. I feel so inadequate. Your steps are very helpful. Lord help me to remember them and abide by them.
Thank you, Calvonia. I’m glad that I can provide you some practical and applicable steps. I will be praying for both your and your adult child. God bless!
I had to write another blog post myself after hearing about three in one including a pastor. And sure enough last night as I clicked through the FB feed was a note from someone I didn’t know, ” I will be off line for a while, my daughter hanged herself. “
Oh my. Suicide is a topic that desperately needs to be discussed more often. God bless, Rebecca!
“Increase scheduled connection time with your child,” I think most parents could stand with increasing that with their children. I know that is something I am continually working on.
Yes, it is important that our time with our children is not just carting them from one activity to the next but genuinely engaging with them and getting to know them as people.
Thanks for these wise words. It takes courage and a big dose of inspiration to write about such a difficult topic. Great job.
Thank you Tricy for your encouragement and kind words. God bless!
Melisa,
Thanks for tackling the tough stuff. My daughter went through severe depression as a child and teenager. They were completely tough times. I wish I had your blog back then. Your practical steps are what I had to learn, trial by error sometimes. With all I’ve gone through and how depression has affected me and so many in my family, I added a Mental Health Resources page to my site. https://sherrystahl.com/mental-health-resources/ Can you email me if you’re ok with me sharing your Website and these pages specifically on that page? Praying God draws many to your site so countless kids are helped to stay alive and get free like my daughter did!
~Sherry Stahl
xoxo
Hi Sherry! I’m sorry to hear that your daughter struggled with depression. That is such a difficult age anyway and then adding the black cloud of depression can feel so hopeless. Thank you for your desire to share these posts and the site! God bless!
This is so important and thank you for writing about it. I think in Christianity we are afraid to speak openly about this topic and others like it. And then parents are left wondering what to do. You’ve also reminded me to make sure I keep my cuddle time with my son, no matter what.
Thank you, Carrie. I’m glad that you found the post beneficial. As a mental health therapist, the topic of suicide is one I’m dealing with on an almost daily occurrence. However, it is a topic that not a lot of other people know how to talk about it. And cuddle time is always important! God bless!
Thanks for helping us navigate through these tough conversations with our kids. Glad you linked at #BVNetworkParty today!
Thank you, Kelly! God bless!
Emotional neutrality is so important and yet so difficult to do. Thank you for providing your wisdom for these difficult parenting situations.
Yes, emotional neutrality is the hardest component on this list of how to respond. I’m glad you found the post beneficial. God bless, Mary!