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Parenting with the Intent of Raising Adults
Have you heard of the term “adulting” or to adult? It means to behave like an adult, to do the things that adults regularly have to do.
It’s become a common term, usually associated with the phrases “Adulting is hard” or “I don’t want to adult today.” Retail companies have created a plethora of mugs and t-shirts donning the sentiment.
And it’s become a common phrase of young adults. I’ve had many late teen, early twenty-year-olds complaining in my office of the woes of adulting.
But why?
Because the focus of raising adults is not common and/or popular among our culture today. And because of it our young adults don’t know how to be adults.
If our children haven’t been taught and prepared for the expectations and responsibilities of being an adult someday, how can we expect that they will know how to do it well?
Aspects of Raising Adults
I think all of us as Christian parents can say that we pray that our children will follow God, be happy, have their own loving family, and find success in some form or another.
It’s important to not parent in a way when your children are young that you will then have to undo later. Focus on the same principles you want your children to learn as adults but just teaching them a more simplified version when they are young. You then are able to add on to previously taught situations and issues without having to completely undo or alter the rules/expectations.
And there are ways for us to help our children increase their probability of achieving the above.
[ctt template=”7″ link=”k26_U” via=”yes” ]It’s important to not parent in a way when your children are young that you will then have to undo later. [/ctt]
Responsibility
Our children benefit from responsibility, expectations, and chores from a young age. (Age appropriately) When children are expected to clean and do tasks at a young age it becomes natural. If children aren’t given “jobs” when they are young, it’s going to be that much harder to instill them as the child gets older. Which can lead to entitlement.
I also recommend that day to day tasks not be monetarily rewarded. The children then come to understand that there are certain things they are expected to do and complete as a member of the family. That will positively correlate to completing homework as they get to school.
If you are wanting to offer chore money, I have found it best to have extra chores they can choose to complete. This helps them understand the benefits of hard work.
With expectations also comes potential consequences. It’s best to provide natural consequences for our children as that is what they are going to receive in all other aspects of their life. If our focus is on raising adults then we want to simulate as many aspects of adulthood (age appropriately) for our children when they are in our home.
Colossians 3:23 (NIV) Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,
Foster Critical Thinking
Many young adults that I work with aren’t able to think through problems and issues. They struggle to be able to breakdown the steps in order to find a solution. This then leads them to added issues and more emotional distress.
I have helped them through a simple process called SODAS (situation, options, disadvantages, advantages, and solution). This easily can be done with children as young age five. It helps the kids to look at all of the options to a situation and then what would be the disadvantages and advantages of each option. This process pulls our kids out of emotion decisions and focuses on developing critical thinking.
As parents, we have the ability to be able to share with our children the decision making process, rationales and solutions we work through on a daily basis.
The process of teaching critical thinking can also be fun and a way to connect through games.
Proverbs 1:5 (NIV) let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—
Build Character
The process of raising adults also includes character development in our children. This includes pouring confidence into their hearts, validating and supporting emotions, and modeling and reinforcing positive behaviors. We can’t expect our children to turn into Godly adults if we haven’t taught them Godly principles and characteristics.
Galatians 5:22-23(NIV) But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Teach Life Skills
Our children enjoy getting to do adult-like things. We can use this desire to benefit them as they get older.
Take the time to cook with your children. Show them how to plan a menu and make a grocery list. Allow them to be in charge of checking off the grocery items in the store. This includes teaching them to read nutrition labels and focusing on healthy food. While at the grocery store you can show your children the price, price per serving, and best price options (generic versus brand name).
Teach your children about money and how to budget their own money. This is such an important lesson that can be taught from an early age! Children often have very little knowledge of what it financially takes to run a household. Not that you have to divulge all of the numbers but it is good for your children to know the bills – mortgage, electricity, water/sewage, property taxes, car payment/insurance/maintenance, food, internet/cable, and on down the list. This lesson helps kids to put life in perspective and understand why outings, entertainment, and vacations can’t happen all the time. Which will hopefully translate to when they are adults.
Truly everything in your daily life can be life lessons and skills taught to your children. My husband’s favorite word is “why”. We don’t discourage our children from asking why about a topic. Even if that means questioning us. We then have taught the concept of appropriate time and place.
Proverbs 22:6 (NIV) Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
Encourage a Relationship with God
Most importantly when focusing on raising adults is fostering and encouraging a relationship with God. Here’s the hard part. We can’t force our children to know and love God. They have to make their own choice to do so. But we are called to teach them about God and help them understand the necessity of keeping Him as our number one priority, relationship, and leader in our life.
Deuteronomy 6:5-7 (NIV) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
I pray that this post encourages you and helps you in raising adults!
God bless!
Melissa
Some of the best parenting advice I ever received was when someone told me I wasn’t raising children, but future adults. I am raising someones husband, someone’s wife. Remembering that has changed the way I looked at parenting from the get-to and I am so thankful. Great blog post, Melissa.
That has been how my husband and I have been parenting our children as well. Thank you for stopping by and reading and sharing your thoughts! God bless!
Definitely we are called to take a long view as parents. I received one of the best compliments as a parent that I’ve ever had: My son’s boss told him to go home and thank his mother for raising a man and not a boy.
Living on that one for a while . . . and very thankful.
That would be an amazing compliment to receive! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
I read somewhere years ago that preschoolers have a natural desire to help. That’s the prime time to begin giving chores and then they can be nurtured to take on responsibilities with the proper attitude. Great tips, Melissa!
Absolutely! It is an innate desire to feel needed and important. Thank you for stopping by, Kelly, and sharing your insights. God bless!
The critical thinking is definitely one I’ve seen lacking in some teens these days, so I think you made a great point about how to help your kids develop this!
There are certainly lots of behaviors that make you want to shake your head in disbelief and sadness. This is an area that definitely needs some help. Thank you for stopping by sharing your thoughts. god bless!
We definitely want to teach our children responsibility and character from the time they are young, so that they are shaped by biblical principles and by a love for God. This way they won’t think it’s an option to waste their lives.
So true! I never want my children to believe wasting their lives or their God-given talents are an option. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is great advice, Melissa! I’m going to check out a few of the products you’ve listed.
I think it’s important to give our kids the skills to help them be productive, independent adults.
Thanks Julie! It’s just so important to make sure we are helping our children in as many ways possible to be the adults God wants them to be. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. God bless!
Such good advice as always. When it came to chores, we figured out the ones they all liked or kind of liked to do. Then I put up a list they could check off. No nagging made things easier. And peer pressure made them do it since their siblings would point out if they were slacking. I taught them all to cook, got them bank accounts as early as I could, and critical thinking came at the dinner table. Your list is very affirming!
Thank you Alice! I’m glad to know that the post was validating. I think you and your husband are doing great! Your and Emily’s new blog is awesome, too! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences. God bless!
This is exactly what I have been looking for. Thank you for writing it! I’ve been told “I raised a son, not a husband” and my goal is much different for my son. Your post is so practical and timely! I’m bookmarking it for a weekly reminder!
Thank you Aryn. I’m glad that you found the post beneficial. Yes, I am raising someone’s future husband and future wife. Obviously I want my children to enjoy childhood and I won’t strip them of that. But at the same time, I’m not going to teach them ideas or parent them in a way now that will hinder they growth and character as an adult. I always want my parenting to build off of previous lessons as they get older. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. God bless!
I love that included critical thinking. My parents did that with us so well and I’m thankful I have a good model to follow. My kids are middle school/elementary school age. I love to ask them “why” questions or to put forth a situation and ask them what they think. They love when I bring them a controversial news story and ask them their opinion.
That’s so wonderful that you had a good model to follow. My children are early elementary and I don’t shy away from sharing with them some of the hard topics and themes in life. We discuss why something is wrong and/or different than God’s design and how that is negatively affecting them and others. It’s so important for their growth and understanding as they get older. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your insights and experiences. God bless!
This is a wonderful post, Melissa! Sharing on Pinterest and Twitter. My husband is a contractor, and he deals with these issues among his 20-something employees every day. It’s very frustrating to him, because he’s counting on his employees to work and doesn’t want to coddle them. He and I are both Gen Xers, and we were raised with a strong work ethic. We are raising our children with these principles, and I hope that their generation (Gen Z) may reverse the entitlement trend. Blessings to you!
It is incredibly frustrating for many employers. I was always raised with the “work before play” mentality and that served me well through grad school and hectic schedules in life. My husband and I are also trying to show our children the benefits of working hard. Thank you for stopping by Sarah and sharing your thoughts and experiences. God bless!
Such important advice that I find myself nodding along with, yet struggling to put into practice in everyday life. Sometimes it can feel so hard, but coming back and refocusing can make a huge difference.
It can be hard to put into practice! But I agree, coming back and refocusing can make a huge difference. The important part is being grounded in your role as a parent and what that means in God’s eyes. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
This is a great list, Melissa. I love your decision making acronym SODAS. My kids are all adult teens. They are beginning to understand some of the reasons we raised them as we did. It’s not easy. And it’s true. “Adulting” is not always easy, either. But there is much reward for doing it well.
Thank you Diana. I’m sure it is validating to hear your children voice understanding of your parenting decisions. That must mean they are recognizing the negative ramifications of not being parented and raised in that manner. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and experiences. God bless you and their journeys!
“Because the focus of raising adults is not common and/or popular among our culture today. And because of it our young adults don’t know how to be adults.”
This is so very true. They don’t know how, and unfortunately, being an adult has taken on a negative connotation.
I love these practical tips. Thank you for sharing, Melissa!
Being an adult has taken on a negative connotation. The only thing that seems to get focused on is the responsibility aspect. It’s really very sad. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
Great point that most of today’s young people don’t know HOW to adult. It’s unfortunate…
I think a lot of young people would have benefitted from learning to work at a younger age. You learn a lot of good qualities like self-discipline through work!
Thanks for sharing, Melissa!
I agree, Sarah. I’ve a had a job (or two) since I was fifteen. It helped me from a young age understand responsibility and the necessity of obeying authority. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!
One thing I can absolutely improve on is allowing my children to do adult things. My 3 year old is so interested in cooking and baking, but my control issue gets in the way. I definitely need to let go and let loose a little. So a few carrots fall on the ground… big deal, right!? I love how you added an example of marking things off the list. This helps with recognizing words and getting used to following a list. This post was extremely helpful for me to read. As my Littles start growing, I need to adapt chores and responsibilities appropriately.
I let my 5 year old scrape carrots for me. Oh my, they are all over the floor, but she’s so proud to tell daddy that she got to help mommy cook. My son always mans the shopping list. Then he teases me when I got off list! He also knows that if a food item is running low that he can add it to the grocery list that we have in the kitchen. It helps him to be accountable as well. I’m glad you found the post beneficial. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. God bless!