How to be a Better Parent by understanding behaviors

 

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How to be a Better Parent by understanding behaviors

I am a Christian mental health therapist and a mom of two. I’m no stranger to behaviors.

Parents will often come to me stating they don’t understand why their child is behaving the way they are. The parents then become distressed because they don’t know what to do and the child is struggling because they aren’t understood.

The child can then be viewed as bad, naughty, oppositional, and defiant because his/her behaviors aren’t understood appropriately. Parents consequence the child over and over for the same behavior but nothing changes.

Does this sound familiar?

Emotions come first

To understand behaviors you have to first understand emotions. You know the lineup, right? Happy, joy, sad, anxious, shy, and anger.  Emotion drives every behavior or action we do. You smile when you are happy. Laughter comes from joy. Tears occur because of sadness. Sometimes a person trembles when they are anxious. A person’s face turns red when they feel shy. These examples are simplistic and easy to understand why the emotion caused the behavior. The simple to understand behaviors are not the ones causing the problem, right?

First understanding the vulnerable emotions

I know, I know, why aren’t we talking about anger?! I promise I’m getting there but these little guys have to come first. The definition of vulnerable is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.  When a person feels too much sadness, anxiety, or shyness the result turns into a larger response. This is also true if the person doesn’t understand the emotion or doesn’t feel comfortable expressing it.

Now, bring on anger.

Understanding Anger

We had to discuss the vulnerable emotion first because they are primary emotions.  Anger is not a primary emotion so that means it can’t happen by itself.  It is only a response to the vulnerable emotions. Anger stacks on top of which ever primary emotion is taking place that has become too big or too difficult to express in a more appropriate way.

To help clarify. The vulnerable emotions do not need anger to be present.  Anger, however, has to have a vulnerable emotion to occur first. A person or child uses anger as a way to defend himself/herself (often unknowingly) when he/she doesn’t know how to handle the situation better. I’m certainly not giving anger a pass as it can be quite destructive but it is important to understand why it occurs.

Understanding Behavior

Finally, right?! I’m sorry. There is a lot that goes into behavior which is why it is so often misunderstood.

Yes, behavior is a result of anger. But, anger is a result of a vulnerable emotion.

Okay, let me give some examples. You tell your daughter to clean her room and she starts yelling and slams her door. You follow her to her room and tell her it is unacceptable, young lady, to act that way and take away her electronics. She yells louder so you yell louder.

Here’s another one. Your son comes home from school and kicks his shoes off, throws his backpack on the floor, and storms to his room not saying a word to you.  You follow him and tell him it is unacceptable, young man, to act that way and take away his electronics. He starts yelling so you yell louder.

How about this. Your daughter wants to wear an outfit you don’t approve of so you say ‘no’.  She starts screaming that she hates you and life isn’t fair. You start yelling back and take away her electronics.

Whoa. In none of those examples did the parent ask what was going on. We tend to focus on the behaviors because we want results. I’m also not saying any of the above behaviors acceptable, and we’ll get to that, but, if we don’t want these examples to be everyday occurrences then we need to approach the situation different.

Learn to question the emotion

If a parent came to me with the first example, I would want to know what she was doing when she was told to clean her room. Is she doing something fun? Then she is likely disappointed or sad about having to break away and clean her room.  Is her room a crazy, messy, pit, and the idea of cleaning it seems daunting? Then she is likely overwhelmed or anxious.  Was she doing something fun and her room is a crazy mess?

How about the boy who threw his shoes and backpack. I would want to know what happened at school. Did he fail a test? Is his girlfriend breaking up with him? Did he get picked on?

And the girl with the outfit. Does her best friend have an outfit similar? Is there a boy she’s trying to impress? Has someone called her a nasty name?

I tell all of my clients to learn to question the emotion driving the behavior. Two things happen when you do. First, when you focus on the vulnerable emotions of your child you will have greater empathy (not sympathy) for them and that will help keep you calm. Second, a softer approach with your child will help them to not become more escalated, too.

Things are also not going to change overnight. If questioning the emotion driving the behavior is completely new for you, that means it is likely completely new for your child, too.  Again, anger and behaviors happen when the vulnerable emotion gets too big or if the person doesn’t understand the emotion or doesn’t feel comfortable expressing it.  So just as it is important for parents to understand emotions, it is also important to teach kids to understand emotions, too.

The emotion eggs pictured above are great tools for teaching emotions. I use them in my therapy sessions with kids, parents, and even in a few marriage counseling sessions!

Connect with the emotion, consequence the behavior

Learning to question the emotion also helps your child feel like you are on their side and care about them. This process helps to keep your relationship and connection strong between you and your child. Increased connection will hopefully lead to greater comfort talking to you about their emotions first, without the behaviors happening. Again, this may take time.

Until then, yes, it is also important to consequence the behavior. As I said, none of the above behaviors were acceptable and warrant an appropriate consequence. However, if there are only consequences without connection and/or compassion, the behaviors will continue.

God Bless,

Melissa Gendreau